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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2014 13:14:42 GMT -5
A man in a suit with a microphone approaches me backstage.
Axel, Axel! Can we get an interview with you please?
What is your mindset going into the clash?
Heh.
My mindset? Let me tell you a little story.
As I was stood in the ring after coming this close to beating Joe Bishop and eventually going on to win the International Title, something clicked in my head.
I'm not sure what it was, but something snapped. All the anger that I felt towards my family, had all changed to gut hatred for Joe Bishop. I was ready to explode. All the fury I had felt for 11 years of my life felt like nothing in comparison to the hate I felt for Joe Bishop. I was so close to being the next International Champion, but he took the low road, and screwed me over. But when someone screws me over, they don't get away with it. Not that easily. I am ready to destroy you, Joe Bishop. You see, I noticed when you were on commentary a couple of shows back, you described me as an angry young man. Well, back then, I wasn't angry at all. In fact, I was pretty calm, as it goes. But now, you're going to find out what I'm capable of when I am truly angry. Now, I am an enraged ball of fire, ready to burn you. I don't care, if you win the International Championship at The Clash, because it will just be a shiny little bonus for me. What I am mainly focused on is physically decimating you. You might have had the fortunate luck of being able to face Dave Demento instead of me at The Clash, but believe me when I tell you, once I've taken care of my opponent, I am coming after you. You better keep yourself well hidden, because the first chance I get, I'm going to kill you.
And that brings me on to my next opponent, "Diamond" Jack Sabbath. Now, I may understand that you are a seasoned veteran of the XWA, but we're not in the XWA now, bud. This is the big league. This is the WFWF. You might have had a feud with Trace over there, but that means nothing here. Just like you tried and failed to make it here before, you will try and fail, to make it here again. You're nothing to me but just another target, another roadblock, another hurdle, on the way to decimating Joe Bishop. And as for my mindset going into The Clash? I don't have a mindset. Unless you consider utter freaking chaos a mindset.
And now, I'm facing Daniel Kirkbride, too. Now, I may well respect you, but that does not mean I like you. And to be frank, you picked the wrong week to mess with Axel Thornstowe. I'm going to mow you down, eat you up, and sh¡t you out.
Okay, thanks for your time... [/i] I left the building, walked to the parking lot, and got into my car to drive home. When I reached about half a mile from my house, the phone rang.Hello? Axel?
Yeah, who is this?
This is the WFWF Head Office. We have something to propose to you.
And that is..?
Well, your look isn't really getting over with the fans, so we want you to change it.
Excuse me..?!
Yes. Kids don't like gothic, dark villains, Axel. They want heroes who they can look up to.
Alright, now you listen here. I know you listened to what Jack Sabbath said, and to be honest, I don't give a flying f*ck what he thinks about me. I don't care if you employ me. I am who I am. This is me. You can either take it, or fire me.
Alright, alright. Relax. Can you at least take it into consideration?
No.
*The phone hangs up.*[/i]
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Post by The Gangsta on Dec 12, 2014 19:54:40 GMT -5
Off the bat, and I have been told this before in one of my RPs, but WFWF is always in kayfabe. There really is no corporate office that tells a person to change their look here in the WFWF to fit the audience's needs. You also could have published the interview with a little bit more length and depth in the WFWF.com section with Drakz or Trace's permission. Plus, the interview could have been a little bit more divided instead of it all coming out at once. It just came out as a web of Axel's feelings toward his past opponents and his current one, Diamond Jack Sabbath.
Since you were on your cell phone it looks, this was basically an interview and a foreshadow into Axel's possible future. In my opinion, it lacked that feeling of an RP where you have the chance to develop your character by introducing others that hold a special value to the character. You did have an extended period of time to do this (but since it is the holiday season and you may or may not be busy) and you did not take advantage of it.
I hope I didn't come off harsh to you, but given the time and potential Axel's character has, you could do big things. Think intuitively and put yourself in Axel's shoes. He has the gothic look that may frighten his opponents and all you have to do is just develop it. Look at RPs from characters you feel have a connection or similarity with Axel. Like you said in the discussion thread, you asked if you were allowed to create multiple characters and from the final statements of this RP, you suggest that Axel could take a different character change. However, instead of the WFWF telling him what to do, do something you want to do, something you feel is right (I don't know if this could lead into your next RP or something).
When you have the time, just glance at a couple RPs of some of the guys here. Sure they may have a little bit more experience than you and I, but you could be able to extract some of their literary techniques to develop their character and use it to your advantage. Create dramatic irony, express extended metaphors, and create a fluid and dynamic dialogue or monologue. Keep at it and try to learn your character's feelings/emotions. When you can implement these techniques into your RPs, you will become a top competitor around here.
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Post by CM Poor: DeepFigureValue on Dec 12, 2014 20:13:18 GMT -5
I feel so left out here. It's sort of a selfish tendency, but when I read my opponents' rps, I look for their approach to my character. It's not something I try and take personally, but in a fed that's evolved so much to become almost more about the characters back stories and less about the matches, I'm always intrigued to see how two opponents can take each other down using the voice of a character they've developed all their own. Here, though, you gave thiiiiiiiiiiiis much service to DJS, and maybe this much to DK. It kinda bums me out, if only because DJS should have been your content challenge. He's a seasoned writer, but the bulk of his work has been posted outside the WFWF. My entire character's run has been here for you to pick apart, and yet somehow, a tacked on conversation between Thornstowe and the front office got more real estate than I did. I always expect more from PPV rps, especially in a scenario here when a win could net you a go at anyone you'd like. There's a trick to developing an overarching story that you can meld into a frontal attack on your opponents, and a lot of it comes down to thematic writing and knowing your character up, down, inside, and out. I'd like to see you get to know your own character better first so that you can take that knowledge and really tear into your opponents with some substance.
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Post by bad guy™ on Dec 15, 2014 20:33:41 GMT -5
What Brennan said. Though since I'm not him I'll give you a pass because he was added in last minute after the card was posted, but I understand his frustration.
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Post by Rated R on Dec 23, 2014 13:45:56 GMT -5
Yeah I think this was pretty weak for what pretty much amounts to one of the most interesting opportunities we could have possibly given to you. A win would give you a shot at anyone you wanted and you basically put out an underdeveloped single scene piece. Now I don't know whether time restraints or real life came into play here but if not I expect a lot more from you at this point because I think everyone knows your at least capable of more than what you've put on show here. Brennan said a lot of what needs to be said and Ante's advice to get out there and read some of the pieces from the more experienced members of the fed is spot on. I'm hoping you can bounce back from this because it'd be a real shame to see your potential wasted with pieces like this that don't really do anything of substance for anyone.
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Post by Prophet of Ash on Dec 23, 2014 20:01:27 GMT -5
read. read. read. read. read. read. read.
Did I mention read?
You should read.
This is PPV time and all the heavy hitters are putting their best foot forward. I'd suggest you make it a point to read every piece posted for this show and try to be a sponge. Trace doesn't write the same way as Drakz. I don't write the same way as Mike. Kyzer doesn't write the same way as Horror, all six of us have been on top of this federation and been around for a long time. If you can act as a sponge, read everything and see what works, sponge off drops and flavors from everyone, you could have what it takes to be a top guy with some refinement. I admittedly haven't been paying a tremendous amount of attention to the WFWF as of late so I don't know exactly how long you've been here (and heck, you could be like Joe Bishop, who was in the fed with me for a legit 2 years before I realized he existed), but the best advice I can give you from reading over this roleplay is to try to read and absorb and gain a better grasp on the federation.
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Deleted
Joined on: Mar 29, 2024 10:02:24 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2014 20:05:55 GMT -5
There isn't much for me to say that hasn't been said yet. Read, read and read. Read anything that you can, that includes RPs on here and any kind of good literature you can get your hands on. Stick in kayfabe too, by the way. But the most important thing to do is read. There's what? Over 40 pages of threads on this board? Go back to around age 13-14 and read all the way to page 1. It will help you.
I used to write RPs like this, and if I didn't read and take the advice given to me I wouldn't be a two-time International champion and former Scars and Stripes winner. Read man.
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Post by Drakz on Dec 24, 2014 8:22:20 GMT -5
So first things first I wanted to feed you a positive. I thought the bit of Thornstowe's speech in this was well written and has the potential to be expanded upon into something bigger however this whole RP to me felt like an intro into something more.
I like that you focused on Joe Bishop and talked up a possible angle. That's good, you're picking shots and attempting to carve your own destiny however again I felt like that could have been included as an intro with the main meat and bones of the RP directed at your current opponents.
I for one don't see a problem with the phone call at the end. Ante sort of got it right that we always right our characters as though all of this is real but in the same instance the head office could well tell Thornstowe to change his look. There is a head office, however the only really names/people we've got are Lila Sleater and Trace Demon, so using a generic randomer on the other end of the phone call is fine in my eyes.
Like Schneider said I think with work you can go on to do something great here. I can see potential in lines of your work and it's just going to be a case of expanding on these and fishing out the strong from the weak.
Keep working on it man and like everyone else has said, be sure to read other people's work as it will help you recognize what areas you need to improve on.
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Post by bad guy™ on Dec 25, 2014 21:41:24 GMT -5
Gonna add a little more. I'm growing to like you, dude. I love new blood, but I love new blood that takes the advice given and really tries to make something of what us veterans have to say. Let's us know that we're doing our job as mentors, and you're doing yours by continuously improving. This was no exception. You're on the rise. Still a little raw...but listen to Schneider. Guy's got a mind for this stuff, even if he's sometimes an ass. But an ass we love. XD
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Post by jdfranchise on Dec 30, 2014 2:25:34 GMT -5
The guys have pretty well covered a lot of the big points for improvement, so I think rehashing any of those points is not going to do you any favors. I do however think that you are starting to make some improvements overall from the first time we saw you. Two of the best things you can do you for yourself is a) read some of the vets and really take in what they do to keep you engaged in their stories, b) continue to write and experiment. Yes, this is a competitive environment, but every vet and even some of the newer guys can tell you that they have experimented with different writing styles and techniques before landing on something that they really liked. You're in the stage of trying to figure out who Axel is and the best way to present him, and that takes time but the wheels are starting to turn and its showing. But the only way you're going to figure out these things is by expanding on your writing and really thinking about situations that Axel may find himself in and how he would act or respond. Little details like that will make you better.
Like Shawn said, a lot of people here like you and think you have potential. This was a rough outing for you, but you can always use it as a learning tool.
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