Black Friday: Starring Axel Thornstowe

[Deleted]

October 2nd, 2014.

I was stood in the ring over a broken, decimated Nikki Dean. I had crippled this woman. As she lay on the floor, destroyed, screaming, crying, and writhing in pain, I felt a sense of satisfaction come into my mind. I then felt a small smile start to appear on my face. I had just eliminated the National Champion. I had her beaten. But I wasn't the champion. I had hurt her to the point where she had a broken arm - but it wasn't enough for me. And do you know my only regret?

I didn't finish the job.

November 3rd, 2014.

Axel is sat at home on his computer, looking for new gear, when a message appears.

8:16am - Candice: Are you taking Seth to the fireworks display?

8:17am - Axel: No, I can't do tomorrow. I've already made plans.

8:17am - Candice: Oh, ok. He was really looking forward to seeing you, but if you're busy, it's fine.

8:18am - Axel: Yeah, I know he was. But I've got some more important stuff to take care of.

8:18am - Candice: Ok. I guess I'll message you again sometime soon.

8:18am - Axel: Yeah. Whatever.

October 2nd, 2014.

I was backstage.

Looking on at the trainers room, I saw Nikki screaming on the gurney. I felt myself chuckle slightly, as she was wheeled away into an ambulance. I walked back to the locker room, when I was stopped for an interview.

Axel, can I get your thoughts on what just happened?

What do you mean? The fact I broke Nikki Dean's arm, or the fact that I'm not National Champion right now? You see, the fact of the matter is, I decimated you out there Nikki. You were on the ground writhing in pain, while I stood over you victorious. I should be the champion right now. And that's why I'm pissed off. Because I physically beat you tithe point where you couldn't get up. I made your arm - and you - useless. As I stood above you, and looked down on a shell of a pro wrestler, one thought crossed into my mind. Why didn't I finish you right there when I had the chance. I hurt you so badly, that if I was to put an end to you and take you out of the picture - I'd have done you a favour. Because that would've meant that you wouldn't have to face me when you return. And believe me, that would have been good for me, too. It would have saved me the job of having to destroy you again. But thinking about it now, I want to destroy you. I want to bring you pain you've never experienced befo-

I'm sorry Axel, but we've ran out of ti-

You just shut you're damn mouth, cracker-jack, and remember who you're dealing with. I don't give a fu-

The camera cuts.

November 5th, 2014.

A text appears on Axel's phone as he is sat on his ass watching TV.

Candice: Are you sure you can't come?

Axel picks up his phone and proceeds to reply.

Axel: Yeah. I'm busy.

Axel gets up, leaves his house, and gets in his truck. Driving along, he lights a cigarette, and continues to drive, until he reaches a warehouse. Walking into the darkness of the warehouse, voices can be heard, but are almost inaudible.

[CM Poor]

I think I remarked this on your last piece, and I'm gonna reiterate it here:

"Who's your opponent?"

Now, I know because I glanced at the card that you're facing Joe Bishop, but this piece here doesn't do any service to that. Bishop isn't even mentioned here, and the kicker of that is that as long as Joe Bishop participates this show and puts out a piece even half as good as he normally does, you're already sunk.

I'm not saying this to discourage you, but rather to drive the point home that when you're writing a piece for a show, somehow, however you want to approach it, your overarching theme should be the fact that your character is facing an opponent and wants to beat that opponent. The real blow here is that you had some ground work that you could have easily branched off of into laying into Joe Bishop. Even as a newcomer who may not be so comfortable doing the whole scene, exposition, monologue routine, you could have placed that interview after the last show, said everything you already did, and then parlayed it into how you don't give a rat's about what you did to Nikki Dean and you'd do the same to Joe Bishop and it won't make a lick of difference to you and so on and so forth. Instead, it feels like you stopped short, which is a real bummer because with around a week and a half til deadline you could have really expanded on this and made it something worthy of a newcomer like yourself facing a tenured guy like Bishop.

[Deleted]

Overall, I very much enjoy your story. It's an interesting turn on where instead of Axel being a guy in a moral dilemma, he just straight up does not care. I'm curious as to where you will take it. As Brennan said, the absolute biggest thing is to talk about your opponent. That takes it a pretty heavy notch down, especially considering how good Bishop is. You've made story improvements for sure, just be sure to talk about your upcoming match and you should continue to rise!

[Markw]

I really just want to echo what has been said above. What this needed, was clearly some mention of, and awareness of, your opponent. That's a crucial part. But, the fact that this does pay a lot of attention to the WFWF and Axel Thornstowe the wrestler is a step in the right direction, considering that this is your third(?) proper RP I though some of the points made were quite good. You really just need to find a way to link the kind of thing you've got here to your match. SYE's pointed out pretty nicely one way of doing that, think like that and it shouldn't be too difficult to do that. And then you'll have the base of a really nice RP for someone new to the fed. And again to pick up a point Brennan made and agree with it, use the 10 days you get, it's not a race to put your RP out first. Because with a little more time put into it, and spent working out how to make the link this would have been a lot stronger. Looking forward to seeing you develop.

[Rated R]

This is what I tend to call a nothing piece, in that there's nothing of substance. Like I can see there's the trappings of a good writer there but none of the effort to actually make it develop. Like this essentially felt like a preview of a much larger piece that could have been good but with how short and unnoticeable it is it's nothing more than something I've glanced over and wondered "where's the rest of it". You've got ideas and you've got the borders of an interesting world for that character to exist within, you're test now is how you're going to run with that and make it into something more. If you can do that I see no reason why you can't do big things but you've got to knuckle down and make it happen first.

[bad guy™]

Mention your opponent a bit and you'll immediately take a big jump forward. You're progressing decently. Follow the advice listed above, and you'll make another leap forward.

[Drakz]

Nothing more to add to the advice you've been given except listen to these people. They're all experienced writers here and they all started out fresh once upon a time and only got better because they took heed of what more experienced people told them.

Don't take any criticisms to heart and use the knowledge shared as a spring board to elevate yourself as a writer with your next piece.

Keep it up man.