Responsibility: An Axel Thornstowe RP

[Deleted]

October 2nd, 2014: 11:44 AM. Axel Thornstowe is in his living room, watching television, when the phone rings. He answers the phone. 
'Hello?'
'Yeah, who's this?'
'Am I talking to a Mr. Thornstowe right now?'
'Depends on who's asking.'
'I knew you roughly 5 years ago. I used to work with your dad.'
'Yeah? Well sorry, buddy. I don't want to be involved in your stupid drug deals. I'm past that stage in life.'
'So am I. This isn't about drugs.'
'Well what the is it about?'
'You knew my daughter, correct?'
'I can't remember, I was 21.'
'Well, you dated her, to my knowledge.'
'Sorry, who are you?'
'My name is Jonathan Carlisle. You dated my daughter, Candice. 
'Candice... Candice... Doesn't ring any bells.'
'She was 18 when you dated. She had blonde hair, and she was about 5' 2.'
'Holy . Yeah, I remember your daughter. But why the hell are you asking me this?'
'Well, son. When we moved to Baltimore, you didn't realise something. And neither did we.'
'What?'
'You got my daughter pregnant. You have a son.'
'Bullcrap. I didn't get her pregnant. I made sure it was safe.'
'Well, we can send you a picture of him if you like.'
'Go on...'
Axel receives a picture in his messages. It's a 5 year old little boy.
'What is this supposed to do?'
'Look at him, son. Who does he look like to you?'
'I don't ing know, he's a toddler.'
'He looks an awful lot like you, don't you think?'
'No.'
'*sighs.* Look. If you don't believe he's your son, come to Baltimore this Sunday. We'll run a DNA test on you.'
'Why the hell would I do that?'
'DO YOU REALISE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO THE LIVES OF MY DAUGHTER AND HER SON? WHEN HE SAYS 'WHERES MY DADDY?' WHAT THE WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY? IN A CRACK HOUSE? A STRIP CLUB? ARRESTED?'
'If this kid means so ing much to you, why are you only just getting in touch with me?'
'Because we couldn't get a hold of you. You don't have any ing record of anything because your parents were both cracked out of their minds, and they couldn't be bothered to take you to a doctors office or a dentists. And hell, you're probably a junkie, too,'
'My parents may have been smack addicts. My dad may have been a murderer. But I'm far from it. You don't know me. I haven't touched drugs since I was 14. And even then, I tried weed once with a friend. I hated it and threw it down. You're nobody to judge me. How about I judge you, huh? You used to be a ing drug dealer. You may have killed a guy.'
'Listen. Come to Baltimore. I'll let you talk to Candice. You and her can sort things out, and you can take a DNA test.'
'Look. I don't have any life suitable for a small child like him. I live in an apartment. I'm a professional wrestler. I lived in my car for 6 months.'
'Oh don't give me that crap, kid. I know you're alright for a few dollars.'
'I can look after myself. That's all. The kids better off with you.'
'Even if you only see him once, we want him to know what his dad looks like. We want him to have the memory of what his dad looks like.'
'What's in this for me? I don't know this kid. He's probably not even mine.'
'Suit yourself, you stubborn little bastard. Don't see your kid, then.'
The phone hangs up.
'Oh, .' Remarks Axel.
Axel picks up the phone again, and re-dials the number.
*beep*
*beep*
*beep*
'Hello?'
'Alright, listen. I'll come to Baltimore. On one condition. If this kid isn't mine, you leave me the alone and stay out of my business.'
'Axel? I- is that you?'
'Yeah, who's this?'
'Candice.'
'Oh my god....'
'Do you want to see your son, Axel?'
'I.... I'm not sure.'
'He wants to see you.'
Candice requests to video chat with Axel. Axel accepts. A little boy is shown playing with some wrestling dolls on the floor. One of the dolls is of Axel Thornstowe.
'Is he playing with my action figure?'
'Yes. That ones his favourite. He loves wrestling, Axel.'
'I have that same doll, right here on my shelf.'
'Do you wanna talk to him?'
'I don't know if I should...'
'Go on. You'll make his day.'
'Well, alright.'
'Hey there, buddy.'
'Seth, look at the computer!'
'Mommy! It's Axel from wrestling!'
'I know! Isn't it amazing?'
'I love your wrestling moves Axel.'
'Haha. Thanks. You know, Seth. I have a question for you.'
'What?'
'How would you like to meet me tomorrow?'
'REALLY?!! REALLY?!!!!'
'Yeah! Really.'
'Mommy can I meet him, please.'
'Of course you can, honey.'
'Oh wow! Thank you Mr. Thornstowe!' 
'No problem, Seth.'
Candice puts Seth back on the floor to play. She sits to the computer.
'Now look here, Candice. This doesn't mean we're getting back together. You broke my ing heart. I'm warning you right now, if you try any crap, I'm out of there.'
'I have a boyfriend Axel.'
'Well, why can't he be the kids dad?'
'We started dating last week.'
'.'
'Well, see you tomorrow?'
'I guess..'
Axel hangs up the call.
'What the did I just do? No. I didn't just agree. them. He's not my son, and she's in my past. I'm not gonna go all the way to Baltimore to see a kid that most likely isn't even mine. And she's out of her mind if she thinks I'm going to see her. I'm gonna stay right here, and I'm gonna watch TV, by myself, with no kids, no bitchy girlfriend, just me, food, and my TV. And no one around here will know about any of this. her, I'm not paying child support.
A knock is heard at the door. Axel answers it.
'Oh, hi Lloyd.'
'Hi Axel. So, what's all this stuff I'm hearing about you having a son?'
'Wait, you know?'
'Everyone knows, dude. It's all over the internet.'
'crap. What the am I gonna do now?'
'I guess you'll have to see the kid...'
'He's probably not even my son.'
'He looks an awful lot like you..'
'Listen. That kid is not mine. I did not get Candice pregnant back in 09. I can say that as a true fact.'
'If you wanna believe that, then you believe it... But apparently, she's spoken to WFWF personnel. And they're saying it's bad rep for the company if you don't see this kid, and that it encourages being a bad father.'
'ARE YOU ING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?! She can't just tell me I've got a bastard son, but now she's telling everyone I work with. That's it. I'm done. I'm ing done. Guess I don't have a choice....'
'It looks that way. Bye, Ax.'
'Yeah, bye.'
The door closes. Axel Thornstowe goes upstairs, and lays down on his bed.

[CM Poor]

Alright, we have some opportunities here. I think you get the gist of what goes on here, as you just gave us a little glimpse into Axel's life off screen, and that's a good start. For a new character, I think diving right into the "you have a son you didn't know about" is a bit heavy if you're inexperienced, because prior to that, we don't know much about Axel in terms of who he is, why he's here, and what motivates him to go match to match.

Your dialogue, as well as your character interactions could use a bit of work. That's ok - it's easily one of the most common struggles here. Try getting into your character's head to try and find their voice and how they'd react to any everyday situation. It was quite a jump from Axel having no clue who this ex was to remembering every waking detail of their relationship based solely off of her hair color and height.

Finally, and this is a big sticking point for me even with seasoned guys who know their way around this place - who is your opponent? You didn't make a single mention of your match or your opponent, and only a passing mention of the WFWF at all. You win and lose matches off these pieces, so there has got to be some lip service as to why you're going to best your opponent.

Everyone's gotta start somewhere, though. Stick around, put the advice you're given into play, and you'll manage just fine.

[bad guy™]

Listen to Brennan brotha. Guy just about nailed what ANY of us could say. I will put emphasis on the mention the opponent part of his comment though. Really, above all else to me, that's the biggest thing I looked for when I was owner and looking at new guys RPs. See who could keep their RP as WFWF centered and opponent oriented as possible while doing serious character development. That's the main cornerstone upon a solid character and consistent RPing is built. Keep at it.

[Drakz]

Good to see both of these guys have nailed my initial criticism of this piece.

A long time ago the RPs here were very much just people cutting promos on each other, picking their opponents apart and explaining why they were going to win etc etc. It evolved past that and now a lot of people like to give an insight into the character's personal life etc, however the number one priority is still the wrestling and the match. It's about turning the RP into a journey, getting your character from point A to point B in his story while keeping the focus on the WFWF itself.

A few more pointers that if you work on will improve your work ten fold:

- Try and make your conversations more natural. The way that phone conversation started was very abrupt. Try and make the dialogue flow more instead of jumping from statement to statement. The more realistic the speech feels the more the reader can empathise for the characters and feel invested in your story.

- Take it a little slower. You hit top gear a little too quickly and the whole RP was over before I really knew it. Pace yourself so as to avoid the story feeling rushed.

- Something I've said to a number of the newer people is think of your character's position in the company. Would Axel really have his own action figure at this stage in his career? Again the realism helps to invest the reader.

I don't want to give you too much to think about in one go but keep it up man and listen to the advice you get and you'll do fine.

[bad guy™]

Oct 17, 2014 14:13:00 GMT -5 Drakz said:

Good to see both of these guys have nailed my initial criticism of this piece.

A long time ago the RPs here were very much just people cutting promos on each other, picking their opponents apart and explaining why they were going to win etc etc. It evolved past that and now a lot of people like to give an insight into the character's personal life etc, however the number one priority is still the wrestling and the match. It's about turning the RP into a journey, getting your character from point A to point B in his story while keeping the focus on the WFWF itself.

A few more pointers that if you work on will improve your work ten fold:

- Try and make your conversations more natural. The way that phone conversation started was very abrupt. Try and make the dialogue flow more instead of jumping from statement to statement. The more realistic the speech feels the more the reader can empathise for the characters and feel invested in your story.

- Take it a little slower. You hit top gear a little too quickly and the whole RP was over before I really knew it. Pace yourself so as to avoid the story feeling rushed.

- Something I've said to a number of the newer people is think of your character's position in the company. Would Axel really have his own action figure at this stage in his career? Again the realism helps to invest the reader.

I don't want to give you too much to think about in one go but keep it up man and listen to the advice you get and you'll do fine.

Doesn't Schneider have his own action figure in real life? You make a valid point, but if Schneider can have one...I think I would buy Thornstowe's first.

Shots fired.

[jdfranchise]

Drakz, Shawn, and Brennan pretty well nailed down all the major factors when critiquing this rp. I'm glad that you're giving us new information into Axel's life. As far as the action figure and living in the car bit, you could've expanded more on the living in the car besides a passing line. The reason that the action figure gets a big notice is because of you being so new to the fed. It'd be like someone such as Neville or Rusev having action figures already in circulation despite being on the main roster such a short time or still in developmental. Not likely going to happen that way. Look at how long it took a guy like Punk to get an action figure. I digress, however, because I think that horse is sufficiently beaten.

But Drakz made a good call on the opponents address. Things like dialouge and setting take time to become fluid,  so just continue to work on that and you'll see that it will improve. Addressing your opponents and the situations surrounding your character as a performer are all things you can control as far as them having a place in your work. Just in your last appearance you beat the National Champion, and because of that and the story that unfolded, you now have a shot at said title. That was a goldmine of material there that in the future, I know you'll use. If you're not sure how, look at a guy like Bishop and how he uses the situations and his opponents as a way to really showcase his character's thoughts in one monologue setting. It's become a calling card of his over time. Or look at how Trace uses the situations and opponents in the confines of a scene. But the important part of that is they use it.

Every writer that's been here any length of time has found something that makes them stand out. I have confidence that you will find what's comfortable to you and will help you in that regard. What's important is that you understand the basics and that you're trying. The rest will work itself out.