Post by Cameron Stone on Sept 9, 2014 4:33:52 GMT -5
I'm sitting in an easy chair in my living room, a glass of scotch on the small table to my right, the half empty bottle beside that, and a cigar in my left hand. I'd take occasional puffs from it, the smoke I inhaled causing me to cough every so often. It's been two years since I had smoked this much, and come to think of it, I had drank more in the last two days than I probably had in the last year. It helped numb the pain that I'm feeling, a pain that was both constant and throbbing, and one that when I tried to deal with it head on felt like it was going to tear me apart. I didn't have very many people I could call close friends, and when one of them was suddenly just gone forever, it left a hole. Not a hole that was an easy patch job to fix either. No, this was a hole that was going to need an extreme idea to fix. How is one supposed to deal with such things? Is there some kind of set "right" way to cope with the death of a close friend? If there is, why hasn't anyone told me about it yet? Because right now, I'm just trying to fill up this hole with booze and smokes, and it isn't really working. It's like putting an ice pack on a broken arm. Sure, maybe it numbs the pain for a bit, but if you don't get that arm set and in a cast, it won't heal, and once that ice is melted, the pain comes back in full force. The booze is filling the hole, but it keeps draining out the bottom, and without a constant, steady supply, it isn't going to keep working. But I don't have a plug for that drain. And every time I try to think of the good times I had with Amanda, it starts to break me. But I have too much going on in my life right now to be broken. And it makes me feel alone. Amanda was my only friend who liked wrestling, and enjoyed what I did for a living. So she was the only one who understood certain aspects of my life, things I was going through. She was the one person I could talk to whose words could actually help me, and now she's gone, just like that. One minute, she's here, the next, she's got a really bad flu that complicates up against her diabetes and her immune system just fails, and overnight, she's just gone. Simple as that. How is that fair? Why did she have to be the one who paid the price? I know plenty of other people who deserve to go way more than her, one of the nicest, but most blunt people I've ever known. If she were here right now, I bet she'd slap the hell out of me and throw out the bottle, and tell me to smarten the hell up. But she isn't here, and I can't hear her say that. So I just can't bring myself to comply with it.
So what am I supposed to do? I want someone to tell me, but at the same time, I don't. I try to be as self sufficient and independent as possible, and this whole idea of sharing my life with someone, and not keeping everything in check is new to me. I'm used to dealing with everything all on my own, and it's still just weird to try to shift some of the pressure onto my fiance Christy. Ever since I got the news about Amanda's passing, I've been distant. Depressed and distant. Christy didn't even know her, so I use that as some sort of rational explanation on why I'm not letting Christy in, not letting her help. Because she doesn't understand the grief, what can she do anyways? And it isn't her fight. It's not fair to put this burden on her. But the drinks and the smokes are starting to lose effect, and it's leaving me with the reality that I need to confront my emotions, and stand up tall and face this ordeal head on. But I don't think I'm ready for that. I'm close, but I'm not there yet. I know when I'll get there. See, Amanda had this band she really got into the ladt year, one called The Pretty Reckless. And her favorite song from them, and possibly her favorite song period, was called "Only You". This is irony at it's finest, when you look at the lyrics.
Oh boy, have you seen my head?
I've lost my mind til I forget
And oh boy, have you seen my heart?
It's beating so loud, I'm falling apart, and
Only you can bring me back to life
Only you can pull me into right
Tell me when I can breathe again
I've tried listening to the song at least a dozen times. Every single time I break up into tears, and choke up and can't finish it, and have to turn it off. The irony of these lyrics, that this was one of the songs she was absolutely hooked on is just such an unsettling coincidence I don't even know how to handle it. I don't usually feel like this. It's messing with my head. But each time I've tried to listen to the song, I've made it a bit farther. I'm close. I can feel it. And once I can make it through the entire song without breaking down, I'll know I'll be alright. I'll be ok. But I think before I can get there, I need something. I need a day where I can feel nothing. A day where I don't have to worry about keeping myself in check, or having my thoughts wander. One might wonder how ones goes about attaining such a day. But I know. I've been there before. It's not healthy, and I don't like it. Christy won't like it. Nobody will. But Amanda would have. Back a couple of years ago, when I used to have the nickname "The Psychopath", that's what I was like. Before I realized how sick it was, how sick I was, that's exactly how I used to be. A lot of self reflection, and the help of a special girl named Christy brought me out of that state, and made me a better person. Back then, I took pleasure in hurting people. Winning was secondary, I enjoyed the hunt. I was vicious. That was when I won the WFWF National Championship. I decimated those in my way. It took multiple men inside Survival of the Fittest to put me down. I was an animal. A Monster. A Psychopath. I didn't feel emotional, I barely thought. I just destroyed. Like a pitbull, I didn't really put too much thought into what I was doing, I just clamped my jaws shut and tore until either I stopped moving or my opponent did. And Amanda loved it. She was a wrestling fan, and she thought that destructive side of me was intense and awesome. Not surprising, it's what I was like for a lot of our friendship. It's like a Jekyll and Hyde type of situation. I don't go to that place very often, but when I do, it can be hard to come back. It's so easy to just go to that place and not think about any consequences of what I'm doing, both to others, and even to my own body. That lifestyle is what wore me down so much at such an early age. And I mean, I'm a better wrestler as I am right now. I've beaten Penny Shannon, Mak Cross, Ace Bennett, and even got a fall on Drakz. The psychopath might have caused them more pain, but he never would have won. But that side of me might be just what I need to take down what I'm facing. But can I risk going there? Christy would freak. But it would be a good way to honor Amandas memory. She loved seeing me wreck the competition, she loved seeing me in matches like Survival of the Fittest. And the lyrics of her favorite song say that only I can bring her back to life. Could that be as simple as honoring her memory and dedicating the match to her? Would bringing her memory back to life count? And it would make this pain, this sadness, this emotion just go away. But is that enough justification for putting myself and those I care about through what would come? What would the consequences from this be?
Hearing a car pull up to the house, Cameron gets up and moves to the window, peering through the blinds on the front window. Christy has gotten back home from work. Not wanting to talk to her just yet, as he knew she's be upset with him taking the match at Grudge, Cameron puts down his glass and leaves through the backdoor, and begins walking through the alley away from the house.
******************
Walking up the pathway to my front door, I can't help but feel a wide range of emotions. Sadness is the prevailing one, as this had probably been one of the worst weeks of my life. First, my good childhood friend Amanda had passed away. In addition to that, another old friend of mine, Eric, who I had recently reconnected with, had his house broken into and many valuables stolen, and immediately after that, he had been laid off from work, and now had no idea what he was going to do. I had a opportunity for a second job, a small, very occasional position with FOX sports doing some coverage on boxing events, which they ended up not giving me, which would have been a nice foot in the door. But perhaps the crown jewel of all those emotions was guilt. I told my fiance Christy I would try to avoid doing too many matches, and avoid grudge matches in particular, and yet, I ask for a hardcore match against the giant Tugarin Zmey. Not only that, but I'm not thinking of letting my inner monster out for this match, if I can summon him, and I've been ducking her for two days. As I step through the front door and close it behind me, I know I'm about to get it, and that I deserve it. She comes from out of the kitchen and takes a look at me, before she simply points at the couch. I comply, sitting down, and she sits beside me.
So, you decided to take another match without so much as telling me I see.
Yeah. I know you're mad, and you have every right to be, I should have been more straightforward with you, and avoiding you was stupid of me.
You're damn right it was. You were acting like a kid who broke something and just hid instead of telling his parents what he did. It was cowardly and pathetic. You know, I've lost people before too, I understand what you're going through. You can't let this Amanda situation get you this down.
That's easier said than done. And I'm not used to having this kind of stuff happen. I don't deal with pain like this very much. Add in not getting that job, the stuff with Eric, and general stress, and it's been too much Christy.
So that's your excuse for avoiding me, wallowing in self pity, and drowning yourself in alcohol?
Well, it was. Now I have the match.
Yeah, you went and got yourself into a match with a monster of a man, a hardcore match no less. What in the hell were you thinking?
This isn't the kind of guy you just go at in a normal match, it's got to be a fight. I'm big enough he doesn't have too much of an edge in size, and I can slay the beast. I know I can do this.
And if you don't?
Then he's going to be hurt, that's for damn sure. He won't walk away from this without some lumps, and everyone else will know he isn't invincible.
You're sounding dangerously close to what you were in 2012 Cameron. When we met, and when you felt like the world was collapsing on you. I got you through it, and you're a better, more sane person today because of it. You're engaged to me, and we have a child on the way. Why would you jeopardize everything you've worked for with a match like this? This guy didn't even do anything to you like Penny did, there is absolutely no reason to do it!
See, you say that, but there is. This is going to be part of my healing process. Those old times in the ring, when I would just shut off my emotions and just fight sound pretty damn good right now. Take away some of this pain that is crushing me under it's weight. And Amanda loved watching my matches back then. So not only does it honor her memory in the only way I can, it takes away my pain for a couple of hours more than any amount of alcohol woild, which is just what I need to get over this and back up on my feet.
You say it's going to take away your pain? What about the pain it's going to cause me, to watch you like that? To worry about you, and to wonder if you're going to slip back into that dark side you had before, when we've worked so hard for our future? The pain it would cause any of your other friends. What about the pain you're going to suffer in that fight? Because lord knows I can't even call it a match at this point.
I'm trading away the emotional pain for physical pain, gives my mind rest instead of my body.
I can't even believe you right now! That's your justification for unlocking that door again? Because you can't deal with the blows that life gives you? Are you really that weak? Is that the kind of parenting I can expect out of you once our child is born?
It's not just that, that's jut a big part of it. There's another reason for doing this.
Enlighten me.
Samael Ahriman
Your commentary partner?
Yeah, that's the one.
What did he do?
I stare at her in shock for a moment, before recovering and calming my nerves. She gives me an angry look, and I sheepishly grin back at her.
Sorry, I forgot that you don't follow anything that doesn't directly involve me.
Yeah, I looked up who your opponent is, and that you asked for a no dq match, but that's about it. So what's Sam got to do with this?
He sided with this Tugarin guy and his manager DMK. Beat the hell out of one of the newer talents we got for no reason. It doesn't make sense to me. Sam has always been pretty level headed. He's never been a douche. Hell, we attacked Ace Bennett at Superbrawl side by side, we had even joked before about trying to get a shot at the tag titles. He's someone who I thought had my back, and someone whose back I definitely had. Then he had to go and do this. Side with the Dragon, for no good reason.
What does this really have to do with you asking for a no dq match with the Dragon?
Because I want to show Samael he is wrong to side with these guys, that they aren't so bad. And to do that, I need to take out Tugarin. I tried talking to Sam at the commentary table afterwards, and he just ignored me. So I'm going to do something he can't ignore. I'm going to destroy Tugarin, or do as much to him as I possibly can. And to do that, I can't go in as Cameron Stone. I need the Renegade. The Monster. The Psychopath.
I don't like this. I don't like where your head is at, I don't like you planning to put yourself into this situation Cameron. What if you unleash the inner demon inside of you, and you don't come back out?
It's a risk I feel like I need to take. It's what feels right.
Once you open that door, you won't be thinking about what's right.
But I'll put myself into a position where what I do is what I'll need to do.
But you don't strategize or think about things when you're like that. You don't even have a plan.
My plan is to attack, and swing for the fences until only one of us is moving. Don't worry baby, I'll be back, once that match is done, I'll shut that door, and it will have been a nice, therapudic experience, and the monster can stay locked up for a long time.
How do you know you'll pull yourself back?
Because I have you. I pulled myself out of that place once for you. You will bring me back. I wouldn't risk losing you if I didn't know I can handle this.
You already came close to going back once in your match with Penny Shannon though. I'm worried you're going back into this too quickly.
I can't help but let out a laugh at this, though I stop relatively soon after I see the stern look on Christy's face.
You think that match with Penny was me opening the door to how I used to be? I was in total control in that match, I was thinking strategy, I was me. That wasn't opening the door Christy, that was peeking through the keyhole. In fact, I don't want you watching this match. You're not going to like what you see, and I don't want you seeing it anyways.
There isn't anything I can say to talk you out of this, is there?
You know me well enough to know the answer to that.
Yeah, once you set your mind on something, you follow through, and won't let anything stop you. It's both the most frustrating and most endearing thing about you.
Yeah, the time I tried to repair that fence comes to mind.
You mean the time where despite you never so much as having built a birdhouse before tried tearing up and bulding a brand new gated fence by yourself, and had the entire neighborhood laughing at us until one of the neighbors took pity and built it for us?
Hey, quiet, I kind of made a big deal about how Drakz couldn't touch my carpentry skills before our match, last thing I need is for someone to overhear you say that and make me look like a fool.
Christy punches me on the shoulder and lets out a cute little scream before leaning up against me in a cuddle. I begin stroking her hair as we sit there for a moment in silence before she adds one more thing in.
You're a bonehead, and if you don't come back to me as you are right now after that match, I'm going to kill you.
Fair enough.
It's your turn to make dinner, I want chicken.
Yes maam.
******************
Tugarin Zmey. The Dragon. You know, I have some nicknames too. Some stick, some don't, but all have been relevant at some point. There has been "The Psychopath", "The Monster", "The Renegade", hell, even "The Poutine Connoisseur". The Dragon is simple, yet effective. You know what I like the most about it? It's that Dragons are meant to be slayed. They are always shown as these great and powerful beasts, ones that show of incredible feats of strength, wonder and evil. But ultimately, there is always one who comes and slays that dragon. So many movies, televisions shows, and even video games have the Dragon as the big bad at the end of the story that must be slain. Admiteddly, I've never seen one of those stories where the Dragon is bossed around by an annoying midget jackass, but there is a first time for everything apparently. Come Grudge, we will learn if I'm that fabled one who will take down the Dragon, or just another reckless, brave over confident hero who attacks it and fails. But I will guarantee you one thing. Whether I put you down or not, I am going to make you bleed. I am going to make you hurt like nobody ever has before. You will question everything about yourself, including if the way you do things is correct, how good you are, and even your own mortality. You see, you aren't going to be facing the poutine connoisseur Cameron Stone, the happy go lucky, actually wrestles some decent matches guy who tells it like it is on the commentary booth each and every show of the WFWF. In fact, I won't even be doing commentary for this event. Because I am taking things very seriously. I'm bringing back the deranged, sadistic side of me that hasn't been seen in two years. The one who laughs at pain. The one who loves inflicting it. The rabid dog that is going to sink it's teeth in and not let go until there isn't an ounce of consiousness remaining in it's body. You wear that mask of yours all the time. Whether it's to inspire fear or to simply hide your hideous mug, I do not know. I do know, however, that I don't need to wear a mask to inspire fear. Some people may have forgotten what I was like. Or some, like you, might have not been here for it. But there was a time when besides Phillip Schneider, I was the most twisted and sadistic individual in this company. A man who went on such a rampage inside of a cage it took 3 others to eliminate me. And that was after I had already competed earlier in that same evening.
I don't know what goes on inside that head of yours. I have my reasons for going down this path. Until a couple of weeks ago, I had huge respect for Samael Ahriman. But then he went and joined you. Someone I've fought beside, talked beside, laughed beside. And I want to know why. That question burns at me. What did he see in you that made him want to go against his ideals and beliefs? I want to show him that joining you was a mistake, and one that will yield no good results. So for that reason alone, you are to become a casualty of war Tugarin. This week has also been a personal hell for me emotional, and I need to vent. I need to just turn off my emotions and get the remedy going. Nothing gets a mans head clear like a good fight. And while I might be emotional now, and you might want to say that all these things I'm saying are empty promises, you can think again. Let me read you a passage from one of my favorite songs, and one that describes what is going to go down when you see me at Grudge perfectly. The song is Monster from Skillet.
The secret side of me
I never let you see
I keep it caged
But I can't control it
So stay away from me
The beast is ugly
I feel the rage
And I just can't hold it
It's scratching on the walls
In the closet, in the halls
It comes awake
And I can't control it
Hiding under the bed
In my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this?
Make it end!
I feel it deep within,
It's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become
The nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
It's time to open the cage. It's ready to come out. And you will not like what happens when it does. When I'm standing behind the curtain, and my music hits, I'm going to close my eyes. And when I open them, all rational thoughts, all emotion, all control will be gone. Then I'll step out onto that stage, and the war is on. You've run over everyone put in your path here in the WFWF, but you have not faced anyone like me. Are you ready to see what happens when The Dragon meets the Psychopath? Here's a spoiler, the psychopath slays you like the bitch that you are. And that, is Set In Stone!
