Battle At The Garden RP: Not Now, Not Anymore.

[Devilkiller]

This is gonna be a monologue, just to show Mike I can beat him UNDER the word count.


Right now Devilkiller is in the middle of a room, the only light coming from a very dirty window, so whatever light shining in isn't as bright as it could be. Devilkiller is sitting Indian style on the dirt, a black hood over his head as well as his famous red face paint.

DK: I've watched them die a thousand times.
No, not in the cinema of REM sleep, but in reality.
Not in nightmares so real I cannot shake,
My eyes wide open, I'm still awake,
And I've watched them die.

Not soldiers on a battlefield,
Fighting for someone else's beliefs.
Not deer taking it's chances that the hunter isn't watching,
Tip-toeing it's way to across the plain to get a drink.
I've walked up to that shallow stream,
I've looked deep beneath the water's surface,
And I've watched them die.

We drown our dreams in the waters of our insecurities,
Our anxieties, the undertow that pulls them under until the last breath of life comes bubbling up.
We give up before we try,
So afraid we won't succeed.
We let them die.

We abort our hopes in the first trimester.
We don't even leave them on a church doorstep so someone can adopt them and raise them as their own.
We euthanize our ideas to shelter them from the pain that they might be wrong,
A feeling we're raised to believe is the worst thing of all.
Worse than watching them die.

He pauses now, trying to calm his emotions, calming his escalating voice.

DK: But not I.
Not now.
Not anymore.

I will not stand idly by while everything I want to be withers away.
I will not stay silent because I'm too afraid to say,
That maybe,
One day,
I can be what I want, what I hope to be.

I am not a hopeless cause,
My ambitions are not out of reach.
I may not reach the moon, but I can certainly touch the sky,
Because the sky is just the atmosphere around us, just a little higher.

I may think my jump is higher than it is and miscalculate the landing.
I'll hit the pavement and break my bones and bust my teeth,
Bloodied and broken and half-dead from the failed attempt,
But I will get up.
I will not watch them die.
I will not let myself die.

He takes another deep breath, letting it out slowly through his mouth before looking into the camera.

DK: Penny Shannon you may think you have all the cards up your sleeve.
And you may have an ace or two,
But I got the whole deck, ready to use at any given time and destroy you. This time I'm going to show you how I hard I can hit. Penny Shannon, put your big girl pants on, because I will not let myself die, and since I'm not dying, one of us has to. Figure out the equation for yourself.

Devilkiller stands up and walks out of focus, the camera fading to black.

----

OOC: Thanks to all who read and Mike, good ing luck. I personally set a limit of 600 on mine. Less is more.

[Dex]

You're a good writer. You have potential screaming to be awakened and just ooze out of you man. I think you've come as far as you can with the character. I personally don't think you've ever nailed his voice, and I think you would benefit with a new character and a fresh backstory. This monologue wasn't all that bad. It was quite decent and I liked some of the themes discussed throughout this RP, but none of it really links up and goes full circle with the theme. I wished you focused more on Penny but for six hundred words this wasn't shart at all. I really want you to delve deeper into your character. But it isn't bad. I don't know if this was due to time constraints but i'm really expecting more out of you Devil.

[Devilkiller]

Aug 13, 2014 20:39:59 GMT -5 Dex said:

You're a good writer. You have potential screaming to be awakened and just ooze out of you man. I think you've come as far as you can with the character. I personally don't think you've ever nailed his voice, and I think you would benefit with a new character and a fresh backstory. This monologue wasn't all that bad. It was quite decent and I liked some of the themes discussed throughout this RP, but none of it really links up and goes full circle with the theme. I wished you focused more on Penny but for six hundred words this wasn't shart at all. I really want you to delve deeper into your character. But it isn't bad. I don't know if this was due to time constraints but i'm really expecting more out of you Devil.

More of school being a bitch and hitting me hard across the face woke me up from summer, so no more goof off days haha.

Thanks for all the nice things said, I'll try to work on adding layers to Devil. Thanks again man!

[Dex]

Aug 13, 2014 20:49:41 GMT -5 Devilkiller said:

Aug 13, 2014 20:39:59 GMT -5 Dex said:

You're a good writer. You have potential screaming to be awakened and just ooze out of you man. I think you've come as far as you can with the character. I personally don't think you've ever nailed his voice, and I think you would benefit with a new character and a fresh backstory. This monologue wasn't all that bad. It was quite decent and I liked some of the themes discussed throughout this RP, but none of it really links up and goes full circle with the theme. I wished you focused more on Penny but for six hundred words this wasn't shart at all. I really want you to delve deeper into your character. But it isn't bad. I don't know if this was due to time constraints but i'm really expecting more out of you Devil.

More of school being a bitch and hitting me hard across the face woke me up from summer, so no more goof off days haha.

Thanks for all the nice things said, I'll try to work on adding layers to Devil. Thanks again man!

No problem man. 

[CM Poor]

So I still don't know what to make of this sudden back and forth between you and Mike. At times it comes off as so comically insipid that I think there's no way you two are being serious, but for the sake of argument, my comments regarding the piece at hand are assuming the background of this match is very legit.

If this is what you're putting forward to prove that you're the better writer after Mike handed you the pick 6 on a silver platter by posting way early, then you somehow managed to not capitalize on the turnover.

This was, at best, a segment for the "weekly" show. No character development, no characteristic insight, just Devilkiller sitting in the dirt (in a room, for some reason) waxing all dark and brooding and calling it a day. You broke the cardinal rule of mentioning "the camera", your set up tense is weird, and given the claims that you keep making, it comes off as all the more weak for it.

Story time, for comparison's sake - waaaaay back in third grade, so something like 20 years ago, I had a friend who claimed that he invented Sonic the Hedgehog. Pitiful, right? Obviously homeboy had his bluff called, and the challenge was laid down for him to produce a freehand drawing. Naturally, things started going south, and he had to compensate for f*cking up the eyes by "deciding" to draw Sonic in sunglasses.

Point is, the minute you said that bit at the very beginning about how this is gonna be a monologue and I went under the limit and all that, that's what immediately came to mind.

I was really hoping you'd come out with something stellar, too. Bummer.

[Deleted]

Aug 13, 2014 21:26:16 GMT -5 CM Poor said:

So I still don't know what to make of this sudden back and forth between you and Mike. At times it comes off as so comically insipid that I think there's no way you two are being serious, but for the sake of argument, my comments regarding the piece at hand are assuming the background of this match is very legit.

If this is what you're putting forward to prove that you're the better writer after Mike handed you the pick 6 on a silver platter by posting way early, then you somehow managed to not capitalize on the turnover.

This was, at best, a segment for the "weekly" show. No character development, no characteristic insight, just Devilkiller sitting in the dirt (in a room, for some reason) waxing all dark and brooding and calling it a day. You broke the cardinal rule of mentioning "the camera", your set up tense is weird, and given the claims that you keep making, it comes off as all the more weak for it.

Story time, for comparison's sake - waaaaay back in third grade, so something like 20 years ago, I had a friend who claimed that he invented Sonic the Hedgehog. Pitiful, right? Obviously homeboy had his bluff called, and the challenge was laid down for him to produce a freehand drawing. Naturally, things started going south, and he had to compensate for f*cking up the eyes by "deciding" to draw Sonic in sunglasses.

Point is, the minute you said that bit at the very beginning about how this is gonna be a monologue and I went under the limit and all that, that's what immediately came to mind.

I was really hoping you'd come out with something stellar, too. Bummer.

Funny, back when I was in like second grade, some kid claimed he was The Undertaker's son. Mind you, he had no clue what Taker's finishing moves were and the challenged me to a match right in the middle of the schoolyard. I was way bigger than him, sweeped his legs and then put him in a Boston Crab. Kid tapped and then claimed he was lying about the Undertaker being his father. The kid hit me first though, so no trouble for me. Haha.

Anyway, onto the RP. I got a real Willow in TNA type vibe from this. Not the creepy side but moreso the what the f*ck vibe. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I was just confused by this piece. The wording was good, but I just didn't know what was going on. He seemed drunk, or high, or something. Not sure. You're a former National Champion, longest reigning for that matter, you have so much history that you could've used. Hell, Penny and Devilkiller faced off before in that Battleground match months ago. You had so much potential to use in the piece, but it never came out. I do believe in you, and I believe that you can still be a major player here. Keep your head up and show us why you were the longest reigning National champ, dude.

[Prophet of Ash]

I know I've told you before, and Dex kind of said the same thing. I don't think you know your character very well. I don't think you know who Devilkiller is. If we sat and had a conversation, I could tell you what Phillip Schneider would eat, what type of music he listens to, what type of clothes he wears.. There's no aspect of my character I do not know and that's why when I'm given a scenario, I can instantly plug Schneider into it. Josh Dean gave it to me for the last show, do a run in for his match with Demento. I knew exactly what I should do instantly. The most minor things, while they're things you'll logically never use in a roleplay, are things you should know about your character. You should know exactly how your character speaks and any idiosyncrasies your character has.

Also, since I'm sure this is probably going to be an argument once results are posted and I know you'll listen to what I have to say; Mike beat you. Very cleanly.

[Drakz]

I'm so f*cking confused by this match. Did you both decide to write songs or something?

Everyone else has covered what I would have said already. After all of the beef in the GD I was expecting something to back it all up yet this far closer to a seg on a show than a competitive Roleplay.

Do as Schneider instructed, learn your character inside out. Just like him I know everything about Drakz, even the most pointless of things. They all add up to gaining a better understanding of how your character talks about things and reacts to other people etc.

[jdfranchise]

Drakz and Schneider pegged it right dude. Take some time to really think about your character, because all the top echelon writers know everything about their characters. Rip DevilKiller open and really learn the ins and outs of him, and then find the best way to present him. Once you do that, you'll see marked improvements each time out. As far as what to make of this, I know you and Mike had an agreement of 1500 words, but I saw so many opportunities you could've maximized this.

I have nothing more to add here that hasn't been said.

[Sleazyness]

Gave this a read and the whole time, I read it in Mick Foley's voice with that creepy ass old song of his playing in the background. What I find odd out of this is that you challenged Mike to make an RP in 1500 words, you did less..way less. You gave yourself a handicap that I'm not too sure you should have done. It's kind of a slap in the face to Mike and his skill. Kind of as if you think he lacks it.

On to the RP. I'm going to agree with my boys here. I don't think you have the character nailed down. The metaphors/similes/whatever were fairly well. I thought you got the point across after the first few references but you kept dragging it on and on and on. I thought you should have talked about his personal life more because I have little knowledge about it. Your character in this RP reminded me of mine with his John Cena-like attitude.

Your character's name is DEVILKILLER. Make that dude sound like the creepiest, dark, demented, bastard you can.

If I can give you some references; look up Undertaker & Mankind promos from the 90s and maybe some Kane ones during his Bald, towel wearing days. Maybe check out some Raven ones also.

I think you got the point across well and think you did alright here. Good luck dude. We all know you have a flame in you. We just want to see you ignite that.