Up The Garden Path RP: The Little Brent That Can

[Sleazyness]

Ann Arbor, Michigan
7.17.14

Kyle walked up to the counter, took his designer shades, headphones off, and looked down at the check-in sheet.

Outpatient sign-in sheet. Sign your name below.

Kyle picked up the pen connected to the clipboard and wrote his name on the list of patients.

“Who are you here to see, sir?” the lady behind the glass said and she quickly began typing away on the computer next to her.

“Joe?” Kyle in a quiet voice.

She looked back at Kyle.

“Please take a seat in the lobby area and he will be with you shortly”, the lady said.

Kyle surveyed the area. The white walls were cracked and their were pictures of happy children and adults all along the walls. The television mounted onto the wall was playing a cartoon. Adults and children were in the lobby area. A little girl with pigtails and a purple Hello Kitty shirt sat on the colorful carpet singing her ABCs. Kyle searched for a place to sit only to find one seat not taken next to a little boy and mother with a baby in a stroller.

Kyle squinted his eyes and noticed the boy wearing a Trace Demon shirt. He took a seat next to the boy and placed his headphones on as he waited for his appointment.

“Hmmmhmmmhmhhmmmhmmmm” ,Kyle hummed along with his music.

He felt a tap on his shoulder. It was the little boy. Kyle glanced to the left, smiled at the boy, put his Rise Against song on pause, and took off his headphones.

“Hey, there buddy! Can I help you?” Kyle asked in a gentle voice.

The kid nodded with excitement bouncing up and down on his seat.

“Are you the wrestling guy, Kyle Maffews? I think I seended you on the TV the other day!” the boy asked.

Kyle chuckled at the boy's grammar and responded in a nice tone.

“I was in the blue trunks with the letter K and M on them. Is that the guy you saw?”

The boy took a bite out of his granola bar and nodded his head. The mother was looking at the new born in the stroller, doing all that goo-goo-ga-ga stuff and pinching the baby's cheeks. She quickly turned her head noticing that her son was talking to Kyle.

“Brent, what have I told about talking to strangers? Sorry if my boy bothered you!”, the mother apologized in a heart-warming tone.

“No need to say sorry. Your boy noticed me on TV, I always like talking to my fans. It makes me feel like a great person at the end of the day!” Kyle replied.

The mother smiled and looked back at the little baby in the stroller.

“So, your name is Brent?” Kyle asked as he smiled.

The boy laughed after seeing Spongebob get shocked by a jellyfish on TV and looked back at Kyle.

“What did you say mister?”

Kyle repeated himself.

“Brent. That is your name?”

“Uh-huh! I was named after my papa. Enough about me, when are you going to fight that ultra-monster, Tugarin Zmey in a one-on-one match?” Brent asked as he made a ball with his little hand.

Kyle's eyebrows raised and his blue eyes lit up light like a Christmas tree as he was very surprised to know that the boy knew that he was having an on-going feud with Tugarin Zmey and DMK.

“Soon, buddy! I promise you that.” Kyle told Brent.

“Hey mister, can I ask another question? Can you sign your name on my toy?”

The boy held up a WFWF plastic wrestling belt and pointed at it. He held it up as if he had just won it from Dex.

“Sure, I think I have a marker on me. Let me see!” Kyle answered.

Kyle reached down into the small pocket of his jeans and pulled out a blue marker. The boy handed over the belt. As Kyle proceeded to put his signature on the belt, Brent stopped him.

“Wait! Put your name right here. I want it there! Under it, write to the champion of the whole-wide world!” Brent pointed at the belt and demanded.

Kyle laughed at how Brent was so specific on where he wanted the signature. Kyle looked down at the belt.

“This will be mine soon enough...” Kyle told himself.

He placed his signature on the belt. He noticed a signature on strap of the belt....

Wayne McGurk

Kyle quickly glanced over at Brent confused.

“Is somefing wrong mister?” Brent asked.

Kyle's leg started to shake a bit.

“There is another signature on here. Wayne McGurk!?! You have met him?”

Brent took another bite of his granola bar and nodded.

“Mhm! I met him when mommy took me to the WretleTopia convention a few months ago!”

Kyle grabbed his ears after Brent screamed. Kyle's mouth opened, biting down on his teeth as if he was in pain. Kyle took his hand off his left ear and handed the belt back over to Brent. Brent's mother turned over to Brent.

“Brent, we are indoors! Apologize to this handsome gentleman. If you scream again, we wont go to Burger King after we see the doctor”, his mother said in a calm voice.

Kyle felt uneasy and sat up in his chair after hearing Brent's mother compliment him. His stomach growled after the thought of Burger King flew through his wondering mind.

“Sowwy, Kyle”, Brent apologized in a sad voice.

“It's alright, buddy. My ears forgive you!” Kyle jokingly responded.

“I was very, very excited to see you beat up DevilKillwer”, Brent whispered.

Kyle was laughing hard.

“What is so funny?” Brent asked in a whisper.

Kyle stopped laughing.

“Your mother said to stop screaming. She didn't say you had to whisper, bud”, Kyle explained as he began to chuckle again.

“Oh, well I'm sorry again. Are you going to be fighting this week, Kyle?” Brent asked.

“Guu-guu” came from the mouth of Brent's newborn sister.

Kyle looked down at his finger nails.

“I will, Brent. This week I will be teaming with Penny Shannon. We get to go against Tugarin Zmey AND DevilKiller. It will be something you want to stay up past your bedtime for...if your mother will let you of course!” Kyle said with excitement.

“Just this one time for you, Kyle”, Brent's mother chimed in.

“Cool! I get to watch the ultimate match!”, Brent said with enthusiasm.

“Yeah, this one will be difficult...” Kyle said with a bit of worry in his voice.

“How come? You are Kyle Matthews, I know you will win!” Brent gave Kyle words of encouragement.

“Penny Shannon. I don't even think she knows we teaming up and if she does, I don't think she is ready to take on Tugarin. He is a man like no other. If I approach DevilKiller the way I did when I beat him last week, then we wont lose. I think we can do this”, Kyle explained.

“You will beat them, Kyle. I just know you will!” Brent continued to encourage Kyle.

“You are right, Brent. I will do it and I will do it because I know I can. Tugarin has something that I don't, but I also have something that it far more important which he doesn't have. You want to know what that is? The fans by his side! You guys give me the motivation and confidence I need to win. You saw that last week when I defeated DevilKiller”, Kyle told Brent.

“See! I told you. I might be young, but I'm not stupit!” Brent explained to Kyle.

Kyle nodded and chuckled at the way Brent pronounced “stupid”.

“That you are, Brent...that you are” Kyle responded.

“I have another question: How can I become a tough wrestler just wike you?” Brent asked.

Kyle looked into Brent's eyes. Brent had that same look Kyle did when he realized he wanted to become a wrestler. Kyle knew that this kid might someday be the future of WFWF.

“Always listen to your mother. She is looking out for you and wants the best for you. Be good and ALWAYS do your work for school. I didn't do the best in school. I regret that...a lot actually. Follow those rules and you will become a wrestler someday. Just don't give up on your dream. You can do it, Brent. Just believe in yourself little guy!”, Kyle answered.

Brent nodded as each word was spoken. His Brown eyes were glued onto Kyle's as he told him how to become a WFWF superstar when he gets older.

“Wow, thanks! I willy hope I can become a weal champion one day”, Brent said.

Errrrrrrttt

The wooden white door next to the vending machine opened.

Kyle turned his head to the right like an owl.

Kyle's counselor Joe appeared. He was sporting a buzzcut.

“Kyle!” Joe said with excitement.

“I'll catch you later, Brent! It was nice meeting you!”, Kyle said as he rose from his seat. He rub his ruggid hands on Brent's spikey, brown hair.

“Thank you for everything, Kyle” , Brent responded.

Kyle leaned over and gave Brent a knuckle-bump.

He walked over to Joe. He closed the door and followed Joe back to the room. They walked in a narrow hallway passing other rooms with curtains closed so that no one was able to look in and disturb the sessions going on. Kyle took out his phone and looked down at the screen.

(0) Notifications

Kyle entered the very small room. He looked at the wall wear Joe had his accolades framed up on the blue wall.

“Wow, it looks very different in here”, Kyle told Joe.

“Yeah I like the change of scenery one in a while. I change the way this room looks every two or three months. You have been gone for nearly a year, Kyle. Take a seat, man. We have a lot of catching up to do”, Joe replied.

Joe sat down at his desk and opened up his laptop and began typing away.

“You did a great job. I see you started to wear Ralph Lauren polo shirts now instead of the other stuff”, Kyle joked.

Joe continued to type.

“Any changes in medication since we last met?” Joe asked.

“Nope, same old stuff!” Kyle replied.

“Any thoughts of Suicide or any self-harm?” Joe asked.

“No, but I think once I'm done beating up Tugarin, DMK will be!”, Kyle joked.

“Alright and any change in insurance?”

“No, sir. I see you started to wear Ralph Lauren polo shirts. Good choice, baldy!” Kyle joked again. He always did that with Joe. Sometimes Joe would joke back.

“Good observation and thank you for the kind words. So, how has everything been since you have been gone?”, Joe asked.

Kyle cleared his throat.

“You'd be surprised, Joe. You'd be surprised....”

To Be Continued....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


OOC: Really enjoyed making this. Took me about three hours straight of work. I want to give a HUGE thanks to Mike for helping me a bit. Dex also helped a bit with getting me to use my brain a bit. Thanks, gents! I am really proud of this piece.

[CM Poor]

Here's your stinkin' reply.

This was a chore to read, man. Kids in rps - here's a pro tip: never, ever goes well. I hate when it's random kids, I hate when it's the character's kids. It's almost never done right, often because no one knows how to write kids.

It becomes even more tedious when the kid is a device to cut a promo to, which is all Brent was here. You set up this whole waiting room scenario, had Kyle essentially cut a promo to Brent, who bounced between being like 7 and 4, then head into a dead end with the quack.

Pay attention to what you're writing and do what Obo said earlier and really use this down time to plot your next move. There's a rule in theater that says something to the effect of "if you introduce a gun in act I, it needs to go off by act III". Your "gun" here is the fact that Kyle is seeing a quack. You go to all these lengths to establish this, then all we get is some small talk and Kyle repeating the same joke to the guy twice in a row like an invalid.

I want to see more out of this feud you've got going with Tugarin, 'cause Kyzer can really bring out the best in anyone, but I'm just not feeling it, and I was so excited for it when the ground work was laid.

[Dex]

I promised a reply man so here goes.

I kinda wish you took up my idea on having Kyle have some kind of interaction with Penny, I think you guys could've made you pieces "intertwine" with one another. I do feel like this is one of your most well written pieces, as far as the meat and the potatoes of this RP goes. I agree with Brennan in that Brent felt like a cheap plot device, but i'm glad you're starting to get a feel for story progression. Everyone gets there, you just have to the sweet spot and roll with it. I like that each time you post an RP you get more conformable with writing Kyle. He's a cocky kid who just wants to light it up in the ring, but my main issue was the meeting with Joe. Joe also kinda felt like a plot device, to show off Kyle and give off a tidbit of his back-story, while making a comment or two about his match. But we don't know anything about, Joe, and how he's really all relevant to Kyle. Kyle supposedly has a troubled past, but the thing is, we don't know Kyle's backstory. And it almost makes the comment feel out of place, and a tease to the reader. Keep trying man, you'll get it in no time.

[Sleazyness]

Jul 28, 2014 18:28:42 GMT -5 Dex said:

I promised a reply man so here goes.

I kinda wish you took up my idea on having Kyle have some kind of interaction with Penny, I think you guys could've made you pieces "intertwine" with one another. I do feel like this is one of your most well written pieces, as far as the meat and the potatoes of this RP goes. I agree with Brennan in that Brent felt like a cheap plot device, but i'm glad you're starting to get a feel for story progression. Everyone gets there, you just have to the sweet spot and roll with it. I like that each time you post an RP you get more conformable with writing Kyle. He's a cocky kid who just wants to light it up in the ring, but my main issue was the meeting with Joe. Joe also kinda felt like a plot device, to show off Kyle and give off a tidbit of his back-story, while making a comment or two about his match. But we don't know anything about, Joe, and how he's really all relevant to Kyle. Kyle supposedly has a troubled past, but the thing is, we don't know Kyle's backstory. And it almost makes the comment feel out of place, and a tease to the reader. Keep trying man, you'll get it in no time.

Thanks, man. This is actually just a part. The next part is supposed to be the Kyle and Joe history.

I guess I didn't deliver like I thought I did. Oh well, I really enjoyed this piece.

Thanks you guys for your input.

[Drakz]

SYE hit the nail on the head here. Your writing has come a long way but even the best writers here struggle to keep me interested in anything involving a child.

I guess you're hitting the points of a traditional face character by getting all of the kids on side etc but it doesn't exactly make for a very exciting/interesting read.

The bit with the therapist fell flat as well. I think if you intended to leave a cliff hanger for your next RP, like you did here, you should have just stopped when he entered the room. There was no need for that jokey introduction to Joe.

My overall thoughts are well done on furthering Kyle as a character and I'm looking forward to seeing what comes out in this therapy session. I personally, as I said previously, would have left the entire therapy session for the next RP and put more time and focus on the waiting room though.

[Markw]

I'm not great when it comes to writing scenes, so it may well be worth getting a second opinion on this. But I really find it difficult to get into the RP when you include so much unnecessary, and not particularly entertaining description. I really don't think we need to know that Kyle looked at his phone and that there were no notifications, or that he likes Burger King, or that a girl is wearing a Hello Kitty shirt. That's not particularly interesting stuff, and to me it feels like it just interrupts the flow.

In terms of the scenes themselves I'm in complete agreement with Brennan and Dex, both felt weak, mainly because the dialogue felt really off in both. I don't really understand why the scene with the psychiatrist needed to be cut short to be honest, you really didn't give us enough to get invested in that, would have preferred to see the whole thing in this RP. Brent was at least being used to get over Kyle as a face, but Joe in this RP at least, served very little purpose.

I know that all sounds harsh, but it's not particularly surprising given how new you are to this. I know I was making exactly the same mistakes a few months after I started, and a lot more than you are. You will improve and quickly, if you take on board the advice you're getting though and dedicate time to improving. The best thing you can do to improve is read, find a few people whose RPs you enjoy and look through their old stuff. Try to pick up on how they blend their 'real life' interactions with the WFWF, how they go about mentioning their matches, how they describe what's going on and the way they use dialogue. I really think that will help you improve your writing. You say Mike has been helping you for example, go through and read some of his old work because that's going to be equally useful.

[Drakz]

I also forgot to mention this line in particular:

"The white walls were cracked and their were pictures of happy children and adults all along the walls. The television mounted onto the wall was playing a cartoon."

Look how many times you said wall in such a short space of time. Try and switch it up with your vocabulary so that the reader doesn't get bored of simply just reading the same words over and over again.

[Rated R]

You should know that no Trace Demon fan would ever support Kyle Matthews.

Look, this wasn't great, but don't get me wrong because you're continually improving. I disagree with Brennan that kids in rp's never go well, it's rare and unfortunately this wasn't one of those times. The problem with writing kids is it's almost impossible to remember what it was like to be one. It's all well and good hearing a kid speak on the street but it's difficult to really get inside their heads when your writing them and I've always felt that if you can't properly empathize with a character you're writing then you shouldn't be writing them. My biggest problem was that this entire thing felt like filler. It was essentially all something that could have been done in a monologue up until we got to the shrink business and then you cut it off there. You should have either focused on that or followed Dex's advice and done some kind of joint scene involving Penny because I think that would have come off a lot better.

Keep writing, keep taking the advice people give you and you'll soon see a lot more improvement.

[Sleazyness]

Thanks for all the constructive criticism folks.

[jdfranchise]

-Cartman voice- Kyle, this scene didn't do much for me here as a reader mostly because I saw some places that you missed out on doing something completely different that could've turned this into more than just a typical face meets a fan. Such example is the mom flirting with Kyle. Kyle could've easily shown a little more swag and potentially had some more mature dialogue with the mom that would've given us a new perception and a new wrinkle with Kyle, while still maintaining face value with the kid. I know I'm in the minority with this, but kids in rps don't bother me, if they're executed properly (keep in mind I have kids of my own irl and in character). So what the guys are saying is correct that it is difficult to write kids because you really have to know that particular personality, otherwise it comes off very bland.

I think you're onto something with the actual therapist. Like Drakz said it would've had much more effect with ending the scene as he's walking in, and saving that for a rp or set of rps all together.

You have improved a lot since the first time I read your work, and you have a great opportunity in working with Kyzer to learn a lot about writing. Use this opportunity to pick his brain and you will come out much better for it. You tried something new to you and I respect that, so keep working man. The tools are there, now you need to learn how to use them.