Up The Garden Path RP: Gangster's Paradise

[The Gangsta]

July 19th, 2001

Yonkers, New York 

“Aren’t you gonna slow down dad?!”
 

“SHUT UP AND PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON GOD DAMN IT!!!!”
 

My dad took the route he knew to school. The faint horns of the YPD, shouting to slow down did not absorb into my father’s head.
 

“CHARLIE, I MEAN, UM, ANTE…”

My dad’s voice was getting louder and louder as the cops slowly approached us. As I turned to look at the back of my dad’s white, rusted, Jeep, I felt a sudden jolt of reality as the tires were slashed. My eyes began to slowly wake up out of this demonic nightmare. 

“ANTE! Get up, you gotta clean the bathroom today.”
 

“What do you mean, it’s Monday. I have school, dad.”  

“Who gives a flying about school. You gonna clean my bathroom or what? You know what I do to my kids that misbehave.” 

My dad, trying his best to stand upright and still, forcefully grabbed my hand and threw me out of my bedbug infested bed and dragged me down the rotted staircase. I started to feel an emotion of anger swell up in the bruises I’ve gotten over the last few days. Charlie, who acquired a black eye from my dad yesterday, gave me hug as I staggered to my feet. My dad then threw him onto the cold, concrete floor and told him to get him a Bud Light from the cooler outside.  

“Da…Da…Dad?”
 

“WHAT!? I said to get me a Bud."

 

“Ummm, no…I…have to go to school today.” 

“Who needs school Charlie? You can learn from, GUGGHHH…me.” 

The bile of his alcohol-addicted soul spilled onto the hand-sewn table cloth of my late mother. The last piece of my mother in this god-forsaken home was that tablecloth, now with the disgusting color of a greenish-yellow on it. I’m 100% sure I saw a little blood come out as well. 

“Dad, are you alright?” 

“SHUT UP AND GET ME MY BEER, CHARLIE!!!! AND YOU, ANTE, DIDN’T I TELL YOU TO CLEAN MY BATHROOM!?” 

He always pictured this riddled house as his. Well, ever since my mother tragically passed away two years ago, the house is indeed his. But, before my mother died, her family owned it for a couple of generations. The house looked really beautiful in the old photos that my mom had left around the house. The photos have been since burned by none other than my dad.  

As I entered the confinements of the unfinished bathroom my mom planned to renovate years ago, a rat scurried across my feet. I began to feel an emotion of sympathy for the little guy, some feeling I have never had since my mother was alive. 

“Hey little guy, what’s your name?” 

“THE DEVIL ANTE! THE DEVIL!!!!” 

I shrieked like a girl and scurried out of the bathroom like the rat did. My dad then threw a glass beer bottle at me, which, thankfully, he missed. 

“GET BACK IN THE ING BATHROOM YOU LITTLE BITCH!!! YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR ING MOTHER!!!” 

I’m pretty sure my brother heard that from outside. His screams and shouts were deafening at times, especially when he was very drunk and stupid. I quickly ran out of the house to avoid the onslaught beating of what was to come. As I sprinted out of my dad’s power and into the arms of society, I heard my name being called from a distance from a voice not of my father’s, but of my friend, Frankie’s. 

“FRANKIE!!!!”, yelling out to his name, sobbing in the process. 

“Ante, quick! Get in here.” 

I entered the darkness of his garage to hide from my father, hoping that I can be one of those wrestlers I see on the TV outside of the convenience store and be able to body-slam, cut, and punch my enemies. Frankie, one of the Italians in the this pre-dominantly Italian neighborhood, is in a similar situation, except with his huge, frightening brother, was the only person who cared for me, besides my fear-driven brother and my deceased mother. Frankie remained outside to see if my father was coming. I then thought I saw another rat in there. I began to feel the same emotion that I felt in my bathroom earlier. 

“Hey, Ante. Talk to me.” 

“I don’t speak to rats.” 

“Well, you’re speaking to me now. Play with your emotions Ante. It’ll make you a good man.” 

“Play with my emotions? By what means necessary do I have to play with my emotions? I’m a good kid already.” 

“You are not a good kid Ante. You are the DEVIL, and that is why I’m here to help you.” 

The word DEVIL began to ripped away my skull as I started tearing the pieces of my hair out. I began to yell “NO I’M NOT!!!!”, which prompted Frankie to stroll back in. 

“Who the are you talking to Ante?” 

“I was talking to…” 

I looked back in the corner to see the rat. But to no surprise, it was gone.

“Pffftt, Ante. You almost gave me a heart attack. By the way, I didn’t see your bunghole-of-a-father come by. I don’t think he cares ‘bout you anymore.” 

He never has and never will. The only guiding force that kept him sane was my mother’s. Now that she is long gone, my father has no guiding force and only relies on the beer bottles in our cooler on the side of the house. I thanked Frankie for helping me and exited his garage to walk back the path to my home.  

July 19th, 2014 

Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, Maryland 

13 years later, I feel myself walking down that same path again. Except, I play with my emotions and use them to stroll down the path with a grin on my face, instead of walking it dreadfully. My head is spinning as I approach the door and scratch in my name into the brick wall. The faces of the other WFWF superstars look on in fascination as their newest co-worker etches his name into the arena.  

The Garden Path has been paved for my shaking footsteps to stroll on. My opponents scheduled for the night, R.J Wilson and Gabriel Black may have the taste of experience on their hands, but I have the taste of blood, the years of mental pain and betrayal, pouring through the seeps and scars of my palms. I’ve been spending most of my life, living in a Gangster’s Paradise. 

The name is Ante. The time to become the man I am is now. 

(OOC: As my first ever piece, I think it came out very nicely. Any feedback is welcome!)

[Dex]

Definitely not bad for your first RP here man. You're a good writer. Your description is on point for the most part, and this is written well. The dialogue was a bit iffy at some points, so try to make it feel more natural and have a better flow too it. There were a few iffy sentences that didn't read well to the reader. Examples:

I entered the darkness of his garage to hide from my father, hoping that I can be one of those wrestlers I see on the TV outside of the convenience store and be able to body-slam, cut, and punch my enemies.

Now that she is long gone, my father has no guiding force and only relies on the beer bottles in our cooler on the side of the house.

For the most part I enjoyed this for a beginner piece. You introduced the back-story that made Ante who he is today, though I would've liked a bit more mention on his WFWF match debut. But for the most part this was alright. Next RP try to focus on adding some more WFWF involvement and maybe introduce Ante's current life a bit more. Not bad man. Thrilled to see how this match plays out.

[The Gangsta]

Thanks man. In school, I have been told I have a tendency to go off topic and be a little too wordy. My goal is to get straight to the point without too many words. Can't wait to read the match itself.

[Sleazyness]

Not bad for a beginner piece. It very well formatted, except I hate bold! It's okay for actions and stuff but for some odd reason it hurts my eyes.

Anyways, I thought it was good and introduced a bit of backstory. My main complaint is that we don't know much about who he currently is and how his situation is.

Another thing that bothered me was this line at the end, "The name is Ante. The time to become the man I am is now."

How can you become a man that you already are?

I thought you used some powerful adjectives and the description of the setting was put in place very well.

Good luck and enjoy your stay.

[CM Poor]

It's hard to find too much fault in your focus being Ante's backstory and not so much your opponents. You're new, they're new. We know nothing about you, and the same is probably true of them to you. You did what you needed to here. It flowed well, the point got across, and I'm looking forward to what's next from you.

[Drakz]

Not a lot to add to what's already been said to be honest other than to reiterate the fact that you need to focus more on your match. Back when I started here barely anyone even mentioned their character's regular life outside of the ring, it was almost exclusively just people cutting promos on one another, which in a way I prefer as it means you have to do your research and get creative as oppose to just writing about any old daily life problems or back story. It's finding the right balance that makes a truly great RP and I think with work and time you'll find that balance.

[The Gangsta]

Thanks for leaving feedback. Really helps. Time to start planning out my next RP, with more build-up to the match itself .

[Rated R]

As has been said this was fine for a beginners piece, you introduced the character, gave us a decent enough feel for him and used the past to paint the present. My big thing, other than the match focus which will come as you get comfortable with the characters in the fed, is that you really need to slow down. This thing went at a blistering pace and I it didn't leave much room for me to process what I was reading. I'm not saying stretch everything else, just work on balancing the fast stuff with enough time for the reader to feel the impact of what they're reading.

[jdfranchise]

I like this Ante. It becomes a little cliche with the abusive background because so many people using it, but two things I point out with your rendition of the concept:

A. It was pretty well written and accurate.
B. The talking rat put a different feel on it.

I think for what would like to see from ya moving foward is what has been touched on already which is slow down a bit on the scenes. The stuff was written well, but I think you missed on really giving us good emotional content because it felt like we couldnt process what was happening where it moved so fast. Pacing is tough to get down, but luckily for you we have plenty of people that are good at doing it (Trace, Drakz, Mike are a few good examples)...so take a little time to read some of their stuff and see how they do it, or better yet pick their brain about the best way to do it.

Solid first outing bro. Definitely think you got some tools here to really build around.