Superbrawl VIII- The Debut of Jon Jax

[Shane O.]

This is my first ever RP so while I tried my best, I know that there's always room for improvement. Any comments, concerns and/or critiques are welcome to help make my future RP's better so I will be able to someday write like the other, more experienced RP'ers around here.

---

I sit in my trailer. Quietly thinking to myself, wondering about my match. Thinking of the one thing that gets the smallest amount of pleasure out of me,

Others Pain.

 It doesn't matter how its done or inflicted. It's all the same. Punches, kicks, headlocks or suplexes. It all seems so...Perfect.

Did I expect myself to be the cruel, twisted, cold-hearted man that I am? No. Am I proud of who I've become? Damn right.

So, this match is my first impression. I've been called inexperienced, stupid, even "Glitchy". Those so called "trainers" just passed me along like I was nothing. Yeah, I have these "moments" of intense rage, but whose to blame for it? Certainly not myself. I've tried to contain them which is like trying to stop a train with a doorstop.
Siblings, parents, trainers all the same. They experience these sudden "Glitches" and in turn, they give up on me. Abandoned me because I had problems that would ruin all their perfect little lives. Well, you know what? I don't care what they think because when I win this match and begin my climb to prominence in the WFWF, they'll worship the ground of which I walk. They'll run in fear and cry at the sight of what "little" Jon has become and the types of things he is now capable of.

   I glare at an old picture in a broken frame. There is a mother and father with 3 kids in front of them. There is also a boy in the corner, seemingly being ignored by the others. I take the picture and throw it on the concrete floor. I snapped. Enraged, I begin to scream as tear run down my face.

                                    

   YOU THINK I'M THE PROBLEM?!? YOU COULD'VE SENT ME AWAY, BUT WHAT DID YOU DO?!? YOU CHOSE TO IGNORE ME RATHER THAN SAVE YOUR TIME AND MONEY TO TAKE CARE OF ME! I'M GOING TO BE SOMETHING SOMEDAY! IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT I LOSE IT SOMETIMES, IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT I CAN'T CONTAIN MY AGGRESSION AND IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT A SWEET AND INNOCENT LITTLE BOY HAS BECOME A SCARED, BROKEN MAN WHOSE ONLY SOURCE OF JOY IN THIS WORLD IS OTHERS MISERY!

  I wipe away the tears and sit back down in my rocking chair and compose myself. I remembers my days as a gang member. More specifically, my time in the Red Boa Gang.

   

        All this noise and screaming reminds me of the Red Boas. Those guys were some dangerous SOB's. Always wanting to start trouble with whomever crossed their paths that day. However, I always butted heads with one guy in the group by the name of Marcus. He was one hot-headed, cocky son-of-a-gun too. He was always like that no matter how sticky the situation got. We butted heads on more that one occasion I remember. A fight with him actually gained me a contract with WFWF. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I can still feel my fist connecting with his jaw, hearing his bone and mine crack on impact. For few short moments, time seemed to stand still as I admired my work. To most people, breaking another man's jaw in 3 places would make you feel bad. To me, it's the ultimate source of happiness.

 I look down at my hands. The knuckles are somewhat deformed. The bones cracked and broken multiple times and in multiple places. I stand up and walk towards his shelf unit and picks up a tape labeled "Hardcore Mix #2". I study it for a moment before putting it down and glancing at the clock.

Speaking of the Red Boas, I think I'll go out and grab a drink at our old hangout. One drink to get me settled down a bit shouldn't hurt.

I grab my jacket and keys and head for the door. I get into my rusty, old Ford pickup truck and put the key in the ignition. Nothing.

 

Son of a... You can't be serious... THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK THIS PIECE OF MECHANICAL GARBAGE HAS PISSED ME OFF!

I begin to have yet another fit of rage. I bang my fists on the dashboard while screaming every obscenity in the book. I then rip the steering wheel from the car and break the passenger window with it. I get out and throw the keys on the ground. I reenter my trailer and punch a wall before going back to bed, where I still can't fall asleep.

At Superbrawl VIII, those two better try their hardest because when I get in there with them, all hell will break loose. I'm going to bring my A-

Game and make a solid first impression. Win, lose or draw, none of it matters. As long as I get to experience MY kind of happiness.

Their Pain.

 Prepare for an all-out war. 

---

Thanks for reading!

[Prophet of Ash]

The best thing I can tell you to do is to read. You're coming in at a time when everyone around you should be peaking and putting out their absolute best work. The roleplays on this show should be among the best of the year, because this is the biggest show of a WFWF calendar year and the biggest PPV in a LONG time. Familiarize yourself with the general structure and way a roleplay is formatted around here and try to be a sponge from the best. Trace's roleplay is a good start. From what I've been able to read, Drakz' is a good one. I liked reading this because there's a lot of cliches that most roleplayers use in their first few roleplays. That's not a bad thing. it's just humorous to see it to me.

[Sleazyness]

Not bad for a first try. I recently debuted myself. Well I dont usually critique but seen as how you are new, I will.

I feel like you tried to put it all in one. You told us about your family and then the gang and etc. People usually span those out over time. The best thing about doing RPs, you dont have to tell everything at once. Its kind of like a tv show, you tell a story or watch an episode, and then come back for more the next week for a new story or a sequel.

Your character seems to be like a Mick Foley in a way. He goes into rage, then he talks to himself like everything is okay. Detail, use it. Dont use too much though. Like dont go on a tangent about a lamp in the corner, unless it were important.

Pick a topic and stick on it. You jumped from your family to a gang that you used to be in. Dig deep into the roots of the character. Bring out that emotion. Tell everything as if you were that character.

Before you write RPs think of a goal that you want to accomplish with the RP.

For instance, this is your first RP. A goal could have been to tell us why you wrestle, how you got into it, how you were born and raised, etc.

It seems like you were explaining that your character is an angry guy who wrestles to get his anger out. You could go more in-depth of why he is angry and what has caused it and when and how it happened. Think of family guy and those flashbacks.

Prophets of Ash gave you some nice advice, read RPs as this is the most important ppv of the year. This is where we should be at the top of our game. Get that basic flow in mind. Ask yourselves questions and plan out your RPs.

You seem to be pretty good in detail. Work on transitions and getting the message across to the reader.

Hope this helped, good luck.

[Shane O.]

Thanks for the tips guys. I definitely have some improvements to make on my future RP's and I'll make sure to use this help.

[CM Poor]

Y'know, for a first shot, this isn't that bad. If you'd been at this a few months and put something like this out, I'd be a lot harder on it, but it's not a bad day one. You've got a nice format, and a general idea of the flow of things. You've got the first timer blues, which Obo pointed out. Your character is angry, he's dangerous, he breaks things. With a little work and a little character mapping, you can take that step forward and give your character a lot of dimension.

But all the same, congrats on a decent first outing.

[bad guy™]

I gave you my thoughts through PM when we talked, and I was pretty much spot on with what the response to it would be. This was a good way to start, but take in everyones advice and keep working to step up your game and you will have a lot of fun here.

[Rated R]

There's not a lot I can say that hasn't already been said, you've come in at the worst possible show to make a real impact but you've got a decent basis here. You'll need to focus on making your character more three dimensional but that happens over time, it's not something you do in your first ever RP. As has been said the best thing you can do right now is go out and read the top pieces from this show because they're likely some of the best stuff you'll see around here right now, take what you can from them and see how you can implement it into your own work.

[Devilkiller]

The best advice anyone could give is read. Read read read read until you know exactly where the 27th period is. Your grammar mistakes are actually very few (I'm a grammar Nazi, hate me) and they aren't big enough to take away from value.

It's been said already, and I don't care, but don't jump around too much. It's a rookie mistake I was fortunate enough not to make (I made a worse mistake actually, mentioning WWE or WWE likeness and man I was lucky the other guy no showed so I could win) nonetheless, it's normal to want to finish it all in one, and there are times when you can't recall what you had in mind for the long road storyline of your RP's, but the phrase "Less is more" applies perfectly. I'm not saying write less, but don't have 5 or 6 different storylines at once.

Again-it's been said before, but description. I still have trouble with description, ask anybody here, but no one can really get it perfect (unless your God, I mean Phillip Schneider) because there are always times that you nah use to little or to much description and it may take away from the RP, but just work on it. Read the greater RP'ers and take notes on their styles and techniques, and morph them into your own.

This actually isn't that bad of a beginners piece. I'm excited that you're not just a name that signed up, but you actually showed. Thank you, and I hope you enjoy your stay here in WFWF.