Revolution RP: Trust Issues

[Sleazyness]

Trust: Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

This is my second week in WFWF. Last week I defeated Ryu Hayashi and Hendrix. I wasn't too worried about losing that match.
Hayashi put up a hell of a battle though. I didn't need to depend on someone else to help me get the victory.

Now that all might change...

Last week, I saved Mason Dixon from his now former partner, Andrew Carter. At first, I was just going to sit back and watch the tag team crumble.
I decided that I haven't gotten the total satisfaction that I wanted from my match that night. I decided that I needed another VICTIM!
I didn't want to hurt Dixon because he was experiencing something that I have once myself experienced, betrayal.
I will never forget the day I was betrayed by my best friend, Donte King.


“Kyle, I will always have your back no matter what!” Donte told me. We were walking to school. It was our first day of high school.
I hated walking to school, but it was the only way I could get to school. My parents always had to work. We weren't the wealthiest family around.
My parents each had two jobs.


“I will always have yours too Donte”, I replied. Donte and I became close friends back in middle school. We just clicked. He was a tall and pretty tough dude. He got all the ladies.


“What time is it man?” Donte asked me. I looked down at my watch and gazed at the time.


“Oh crap! We are late!!” I yelled. We began to run. If cops actually cared, I'm pretty sure we would have been arrested for jaywalking.
I was following behind Donte. He was just way to fast. He was a star on the track team during middle school.


“Wait up!” I screamed. I turned into an ally. I tried to catch up until I came to a quick halt. I bumped right into the shoulder of this tall guy.
I later learned that his name was Brad Johnson, quarterback for the Varsity football team.


“Watch where you are going dweeb!” Brad yelled. His groupies were right behind him laughing at me.
Nothing but fear was in my eyes. My adrenaline was rushing. I didn't know what to say or do.


“I'm sorry! I am just-”


“Save it kid!” Brad cut me off quick. He was looking even more intimidating that before. I began to shake. Chills ran up my spine. My Nirvana shirt was becoming soaked in sweat.


“DONTE!” I yelled. It echoed off the walls in the empty ally. Donte was no where to be found. I got jumped by Brad and his groupies. As I kept clawing and screaming for help, a cook from the local Coney Island walked out the back of the restaurant.


“Hey! Get off of him! I'm calling the cops!” the cook yelled. Brad and his groupies scrammed out of the ally. I was laying motionless on the ground with blood dripping like a faucet from my nose and mouth. The cook ran over to me and stayed with me until the police and ambulance arrived.


“Everything will be alright kid” the cook whispered to me.


“Thanks..” I whispered back. I wasn't sure if what the cook was saying to me was even true. I didn't know what to believe anymore. Donte betrayed me that day. He told me that he would be there for me no matter what. He wasn't there when I got jumped.

I punched the locker. I looked around the locker room. No one is in here with me. I looked down at my hand. My knuckles are slowly beginning to turn red. I seriously need to find a better way to deal with my emotions.

I took a sip of my water while sitting in a black fold up chair. Just because Dixon was betrayed just like me, doesn't meant that I can trust him. I don't know who I can trust at this point. I'm starting to regret helping Dixon now. Dixon is my only worry heading into Superbrawl. Dixon is kind of scared to trust me too. Somehow, I will have to get him to trust me. Maybe if I earn his trust, it will be easier for me to trust him.

Jayson Garrett is who we have to compete against this week. I'm pretty sure I could handle this cat myself. I've done my research on him. All week I have been watching matches that involve him. I think he has his own issues. That could be the edge Dixon and myself need to make our win that much easier. I'm quite good when it comes to playing mind games. I think I should try to get inside the slowly falling apart tag team of Garrett and Landon. It could make winning at Superbrawl easy. I can't help but think I might be underestimating my opponents a bit.

I looked over to the TV screen.

“Looks like we are up next” a familiar voice said. I looked over to the left to see that it was Mason Dixon. A smirk was on his face. I'm not sure why he was smirking. It kind of made me feel a bit uncomfortable.

“Yeah, I guess so” I replied. I smirked back at him just because I wasn't sure what else to do. I rose up from my seat.

“Look, I know that I was a bit reluctant to accept your help last week. I had time to think about it and I just want to say thank you” Dixon said. It looked as if he truly meant it.

“Don't thank me. I've been in that position before. I didn't want to see that escalate any further”

“Well, we should get going. I have to get revenge on Garrett”

“It looks like it's time to claim another victim!” I yelled.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This is my second RP. Decided to mix it up a bit. I scrapped the original copy and came up with this instead. I hope you all enjoy.

Just wanted to say good luck to Jayson Garrett as well!

[bad guy™]

This turned out good. I was curious what your goal was with the original shell we discussed a couple of days ago, and I am glad you took my advice.

Everyone will agree that this was a big step up from last week. You told the story of why Matthews has trust issues, and why he regrets helping Dixon, but understands that he has to start trusting sometime, so it might as well be him.

Plus, you had a nice mini monologue here. Your goal for SuperBrawl, aside from winning obviously, should be to try to do a little research on all of your opponents (you have 6) by looking at their RPs this show and their bios on the sign up board. Try to understand who their characters are, and have Matthews develop an opinion on each of them, then tell us what it is. You can make the opinion as short as "don't like him" just as long as you have Matthews explain why. You do that and you will have a KILLER showing at SuperBrawl man.

[Sleazyness]

Mar 12, 2014 16:22:20 GMT -5 bad guy™ said:

This turned out good. I was curious what your goal was with the original shell we discussed a couple of days ago, and I am glad you took my advice.

Everyone will agree that this was a big step up from last week. You told the story of why Matthews has trust issues, and why he regrets helping Dixon, but understands that he has to start trusting sometime, so it might as well be him.

Plus, you had a nice mini monologue here. Your goal for SuperBrawl, aside from winning obviously, should be to try to do a little research on all of your opponents (you have 6) by looking at their RPs this show and their bios on the sign up board. Try to understand who their characters are, and have Matthews develop an opinion on each of them, then tell us what it is. You can make the opinion as short as "don't like him" just as long as you have Matthews explain why. You do that and you will have a KILLER showing at SuperBrawl man.

Thanks for the reply.

My original goal wasn't even clear which was why I decided to trash it.

[bad guy™]

Mar 12, 2014 16:31:27 GMT -5 Sleazyness said:

Mar 12, 2014 16:22:20 GMT -5 bad guy™ said:

This turned out good. I was curious what your goal was with the original shell we discussed a couple of days ago, and I am glad you took my advice.

Everyone will agree that this was a big step up from last week. You told the story of why Matthews has trust issues, and why he regrets helping Dixon, but understands that he has to start trusting sometime, so it might as well be him.

Plus, you had a nice mini monologue here. Your goal for SuperBrawl, aside from winning obviously, should be to try to do a little research on all of your opponents (you have 6) by looking at their RPs this show and their bios on the sign up board. Try to understand who their characters are, and have Matthews develop an opinion on each of them, then tell us what it is. You can make the opinion as short as "don't like him" just as long as you have Matthews explain why. You do that and you will have a KILLER showing at SuperBrawl man.

Thanks for the reply.

My original goal wasn't even clear which was why I decided to trash it.

It had a dose of decency. Was hoping you would have used that, and then did something like this along with it. It would have worked well together I think. It is too late now though. Haha.

[Deleted]

Good piece! In your second RP too, very nice! You've already shown great work here, keep it up! As Shawn said, showing why Kyle has trust issues was a smart idea and overall it was a fun piece. I'd like to see where you go with past Kyle, if you choose to expand upon it! Again, good work, and good luck to you as well!

[Deleted]

Nice rp kyle

[Sleazyness]

Mar 13, 2014 9:04:18 GMT -5 @vrad85 said:

Nice rp kyle

Thanks man.

Hoping that you do well on yours. If you need any help, just pm me.

[jdfranchise]

Ok Kyle I just finished the read on yours and here is what I got.

Shawn said you stepped up your game for this piece. I''ll take his word for it since I have just come back. But for a first impression on my part it was solid. It covers the bases that needed to be covered since it looks like you're in the tag match. Trust issues, while a predictable predicament, always makes for good writing due to the justification through the story. Thats towardsu've done here especially with the internal monolouge. Going towards SuperBrawl I'd really like to see some form of team dynamic. If you and Dixon come together and communicate on that dynamic, there isn't any reason you guys should have anything less than a good showing. Nice job bro.

[Rated R]

As has been pointed out you've done a great job here for a second RP and you've shown a propensity for swift improvement. Now there's not a lot I can say that hasn't already been said so I'll focus on something small that is probably only bothering me, and that is how cliche the flashback was. If you want to drive home the idea of trust issues then you need something that actually impacts the reader, getting beaten up because a friend bails doesn't exactly do that. It's not something that a lot of people would think of while writing which is why I bring it up because it's these kinds of small things, such as judging the level of drama that you need to use for a certain situation, is one of those things that separates the top tier from the rest of the roster.

[Sleazyness]

Mar 17, 2014 10:02:26 GMT -5 Rated R said:

As has been pointed out you've done a great job here for a second RP and you've shown a propensity for swift improvement. Now there's not a lot I can say that hasn't already been said so I'll focus on something small that is probably only bothering me, and that is how cliche the flashback was. If you want to drive home the idea of trust issues then you need something that actually impacts the reader, getting beaten up because a friend bails doesn't exactly do that. It's not something that a lot of people would think of while writing which is why I bring it up because it's these kinds of small things, such as judging the level of drama that you need to use for a certain situation, is one of those things that separates the top tier from the rest of the roster.

Thanks for the input. I couldn't think of much at the time. I think that adding a bit more drama can work in my favor. I appreciate all feedback and criticism from everybody, it means a ton!

[CM Poor]

A lot has been said here, so some of this may come off as repetitive, so bear with me.

One thing that stuck out to me were little details that just felt tacked on to give this piece more meat. "I gazed at the time". "They both worked two jobs". "We weren't that rich". Especially on the latter two, I like to see people use descriptors and establishing scenes to tell me those stories.

'Close in on a character waiting upon the dilapidated, weathered looking porch for his only friend in the world to arrive. The neighborhood tells the story of an economy in shambles - patch dried lawns, if they're mowed at all. Houses in various states of disrepair. Cars pulled from an age more concerned with practicality than flashiness and luxury. The dwelling our hero sits before stands out in no particular manner to set itself apart from its hard off surroundings.'

I just gave you a paragraph worth of substance that serves multiple purposes. I've set the scene. I've established where we are and what we're looking at without resorting to bland, physical descriptors, AND, I've established in the reader's mind that this character may not have the deepest pockets in town.

Work on your dialogue. I know not everyone's mind works the same, but I used to do theater, and the minute I hit the stage, my lines were fed the way some of these read. Spend some time listening to people - you'll find a million different nuances in how everyone speaks.

See my comments on your partners rp regarding writing another players character.

Work on what makes this character tick. Like Trace said, the story about his buddy skipping out while he got jumped - that'll set you back, yeah, but it's a one time occurrence that doesn't exactly inspire a mental complex.

The tools are there, and you've got an audience lining up to help you out. Take it, apply it, and you can improve.

[Dex]

I see solid improvement. Though I was bothered by a few things. I hate the dialogue. It feels so unnatural, I can't imagine a "gangster" like figure from Detroit speaking properly when he beats Kyle's ass. I understand how this interlocks with your match, but it feels way too cliche. Also their were things that should have been touched more upon. Like more description on Brad Johnson, and more description on your descriptions. If that makes sense. You Donte was a ladies man, but you didn't touch upon it. What does Donte look like? How does he get the ladies? I also feel like we need more about your character himself. I don't really know much about him, I want to know what goes on inside his head. Right now he feels 2 dimensional as a character, we need more emotion with him in my opinion. Other than that I do see improvement, so keep it up man.