Post by Markw on Mar 8, 2014 9:31:16 GMT -5
Revolution – No Surprises
5th March 2014
Again.
Again I open myself up, I leave myself vulnerable, and the person I put my faith in kicks me while I'm down.
What have I done? What did I do to deserve this?
Why the
does it always happen to me?I don't know why I keep doing it. Why I keep opening myself up when I already know how it ends. I already know what's going to happen. I'll get the five minutes of feeling like I've turned things around, like my life is picking up again. I'll feel like finally I can enjoy life.
And then SMASH.
A kick in the nuts, a chair to the back, a crushing 'Goodbye'. And I'm back here, where I always end up.
In a crowded WFWF locker room, some happy, some frustrated, some angry, some excited and me. Alone. In the corner. Hating myself.
Why keep doing it when I always end up back here. Miserable.
That's a question I've always been able to answer. I've always been able to justify it.
I've always had a reason, even if it isn't a particularly good one.
Today...
I've run out of answers.
---
“How are you doing?”
Mary asked approaching me as I stumbled through the busy car park at the Joe Louis Arena.
“Leave me alone.”
“I'm only trying to help.”
“Where has your help got me?”
I snapped back in a moment of frustration. She was clearly hurt.
“Well you're not at the bottom of the ocean are you?”
“Maybe I'd be better off if I was.”
“You don't mean that.”
“You don't know anything about me. You don't know what it's like to feel empty. You don't know what it's like to be stabbed in the back every single time. You don't know what it's like to lose everyone you love because you're too
ing stupid to tell them how you feel. SO don't you dare tell me, that I don't mean that, because I assure you, I absolutely do. I wish you hadn't talked me down, I wish I had ended it all. I wish I hadn't believed that something could go right for once. I wish I'd jumped!”I could hear my heart rate picking up, trying to break out of my chest. My hands red, shaking. My teeth grinding against one another. My head ready to explode. She replied bemused.
“I don't know what it's like?”
“Well do you?”
“Do you want a lift or not?”
“I'll walk.”
I staggered off into the night as the car door slammed shut and she sped away into the night.
Alone again.
---
I really don't know if I should carry on doing this. I have no idea why I am doing it to tell you the truth.
I used to love professional wrestling. I used to care so much about what happened in that squared circle.
But right now? I don't love it.
I don't get any satisfaction from stepping into the ring.
Really the only thing that's keeping me going is the dream that one day, I can love it again, like I used to. I want to care again. I want it to matter.
But it's never going to happen.
I have to accept, that I have changed. This place has changed. That the roar of the crowd isn't ever going to feel as good as it did when I first stepped into a WFWF ring. I have to accept that I'm never going to get quite as much pleasure from winning a match as I did when I pinned Jon O'Deeves and became the National Champion. I have to accept that the atmosphere that I loved when I first walked into that locker room, has disappeared.
I don't fit in here. I can't enjoy being in a promotion with men like Crow, like Trace Demon, women like Penny Shannon who will stab their closest allies, their best friends, in the back. Just to get one step further up the ladder.
I can't do it.
I want to be the best, I want to be on top of the world, I want to be the World Champion. But I can't throw away every principle I have to get there. So I never will.
For the last three years I've been beating myself up because I've lost the ability to trust other human beings. I've hated myself because I haven't been willing to take a risk, because I haven't put my faith in another human being.
But maybe I was right to do that. At least within the context of the WFWF.
Because you can't trust anyone here. It's sad, but it's the truth.
You can't depend on anyone, because sooner or later, they're going to stab you in the back. Apparently everyone, at least everyone I've encountered in this promotion, cares more about politics than they do about passion, about integrity, about honour.
I thought I could change that... I thought I could make this place better.
Laughs
It can't be changed... well... I can't change.
Maybe somebody can and on that day there will be no man happier than I. I'll run back down that ramp and maybe it'll be the same as it used to be. But I can't persevere with this WFWF.
Going out there, week in, week out and giving everything I have for something that means so little to me, it's killing me and to carry on doing it just because I have a few scores to settle, would be madness. I can't let Trace Demon and Crow consume me, I can't let the politics get to me or they've won.
I just need to accept that I don't belong here.
That I'm dying a slow and painful death every time I step into that ring.
I need to accept that I've got two matches to try and go out in a way that ensures I'm remembered by those who loved the WFWF and hate what it has become as much as I do.
Landon, I've reached a point where I really don't care about you, or whether I win or lose. But I want to make a statement, I don't want to fade away, I want to burn out. So I'll give you everything I've got, I'll do everything I can to rip you apart and we'll see if you're good enough to keep up.
Yukio, you won the International Championship fair and square. And I'll admit that I was wrong about you, you're not just a has been. But I want to go out with that belt that I've been chasing since the moment I came back, I want to go out with a bang. I want to beat you on the biggest stage of them all.
And then I'm done. Then I can stop letting the WFWF destroy me.
